Bob

So lemme tell you why I'm dropping everything and going to Cabo on Tuesday. It's kind of an unexpected leg of my silent journey that won't really be silent at all, but is definitely part of the cure to my OMG ENOUGH ALREADY ailments lately.

First of all, Bob's real name is Joe. We'd been together for months, but it's been on the down-low from the www because I didn't want to rock his child custody boat. I don't have reason to care about that anymore and I hate that I wasn't ever able to write about our relationship so now that we've broken up, I'd like to see if I can do a graceful post-mortem.

I've known Joe for 25+ years. Our dads have been friends forever so we grew up together and as far back as I can remember, I adored him.

I even took him to my prom, which was only possible because his girlfriend at the time was kind and knew that I wasn't much of a threat. See?



I was thrilled. I would have died happy. (Also: Kudos to 17-year-old me for wearing a black dress so you couldn't see where my fat ended and his tux started.)

Fast forward a year or so and we actually started dating.





(GOD my hair was thick and pretty then!)

I'd never felt so at ease, so relaxed, so content as I did when I was with him.

It was SO MUCH FUN, unless we were busy being SO STUPID AND DRAMATIC and after a couple firey breakups, we both finally crossed the line and that was that. I didn't talk to him again for 14 years.

When we were happy I remember thinking I was absolutely going to marry him. After we broke up I remember thinking PSSSSSHHHHHH -- *every* 19-year-old thinks she's gonna marry her first love, you dummy! Many years later, sometime after I turned 30, I realized that OH SHIT! I'd never even the TINIEST, TINIEST, TINIEST bit ever felt for anyone the way I felt for him. DID I SCREW THINGS UP WITH THE LOVE OF MY LIFE??????????????

I made my bed and I would have to lay in it.

Lie in it?

Whatever.

We ended up reconnecting via Facebook while he was going through a divorce. When all that was said and done he was planning to move back home to the bay area so he could go back to school and otherwise get himself organized. (Didja notice I'd been going to Seattle every month or so for a while?)

v2 of our relationship was SO MUCH BETTER than v1. It was all the fun, the comfort, the ease, the joy, the everything, but without any of the drama. 30-something us was 100 times as awesome as college-aged us.

We had so much fun together. Really perfect, awesome, life-experience fun. We were excited about having the rest of our lives together. We knew there was some grunt work to be done before we could get there, but it would happen. We would go see the wildflowers bloom in Death Valley. He would teach me to drive a stick. We would try camel milk. We would get bikes and ride them together.

We would get married. (!)

For Valentine's Day he sent me 14 valentines -- one for each year he missed.



The whole story was straight out of a made-for-tv movie and I was SO in love and SO confident that we would grow old together.

We were happy.











But then his ex-wife started looking for a job in Chicago. It started as a distant possibility but soon all signs pointed to Chicago and he decided that if she got the job and moved their 7-year-old son to Chicago, he'd move to Chicago too.

Cue the heartache and the worry.

And then maybe he wasn't going to follow her.

And then she got the job.

And then maybe he was going to follow her.

And then maybe he wasn't.

Back and forth, back and forth, back and forth. It changed with his mood, the wind, the moon, everything.

A month ago, there were a thousand things to be sad about. I was losing so much and I was so disappointed in him and I was so sad and so hurt I couldn't even explain it, but it's funny how the heart works. My grief gradually turned to indifference and every time the pendulum of our relationship swung -- in my favor or not, I cared a little bit less.

If you were to ask me, right this very minute, if I still loved him, I'd say yes.

If you were to ask me, right this very minute, if I liked him or if I thought he was deserving of my love, I'd say no and no.

I'll spare him the public display of the breakup specifics, but did anyone see that Sex and the City episode where Aiden Jack Berger broke up with Carrie via a post-it note?

It was kind of like that.

But possibly even assholier.

[Thank you to Leslie for correcting me -- it was JACK, not Aiden! And now that Leslie has reminded me that Jack's problem was that Carrie was more successful than he was, it all hits THAT MUCH CLOSER TO HOME.]

Am I sad?

A month ago, yes. I was devastated. Today, no. I am relieved it's over. It kind of even feels like the whole v2 relationship never even happened. I am excited to be back in control of my own happiness.

So when my friend Leslie was like "EFFFFF THIS NOISE! Come crash my Cabo vacation with the girls!" I looked at my calendar, looked at airfare and said OKAY!!!!

And THAT, my darling Internet, is why I'm going to Cabo on Tuesday.