Golden Gate Bridge, you kicked my ass this morning., originally uploaded by dumpstar_drummer.
Thursday, December 24, 2009
Tuesday, December 22, 2009
Therefore, it is my duty to report to all Nutella baklava searchers that I made the Nutella baklava last week and that it was really not delicious. It was dry and excessively cinnamon'y and I ate one test piece and THREW THE REST AWAY. It hurt my heart to throw like $20 worth of ingredients into the trash, but it just was not the delicious treat I thought it would be.
Incidentally, I went looking for the actual recipe so I could be useful and link the searchers to it, but it's not on the recipe site that all the other Cooking Light recipes are on so I think you're S.O.L. I can't even just type the recipe out for you because the recycling has been taken out since then.
Sorry about that, Nutella baklava searchers.
The gist, if you're interested:
6 sheets of filo dough layered with melted butter
1/3 cup of melted Nutella drizzled on top of that
1/3 of the nut mixture sprinkled on top of that (1/2 cup hazlenuts, 1/2 cup almonds, 1/3 cup pistachios and 1/3 cup walnuts tossed with a teaspoon of cinnamon)
Repeat two more times, ending with six sheets of filo dough and butter.
Cut into squares and bake at like 350 for I think 25 minutes, or until the filo dough is light brown and crispy.
Meanwhile, boil 3/4 cup of honey, a cinnamon stick and some water (I can't remember how much though -- a tablespoon? 1/2 a cup? No idea) undisturbed until it reaches 250 degrees on a candy thermometer, then remove the cinnamon stick and pour the warm honey mixture over the filo/nut/nutella stuff when it comes out of the oven and cool on a wire rack.
Store at room temperature.
AND OH MY GOD I AM AMAZED AT HOW MUCH OF THIS I REMEMBER!
* No cinnamon in the nut mixture
* Adding more water or more honey to the honey mixture because there wasn't enough of it
...but she also included the notes I'd written on the back of the junior high pictures. They were cringe-worthy though so I'll save myself the horror of posting them on the internet, but they were proof that I did the right thing by throwing away my pre-teen diaries for fear that I'd die and someone would read them and think I was the lamest pre-teen on the planet. (This was before I went to see Mortified and realized that I was not the only melodramatic, angsty and in love pre-teen on the planet, but even still, I think throwing them away was a wise move.)
The specific Africa dress, it turns out, was in my kindergarten class picture...so it's the greenish one with the greenish dots...also identifiable by the word "KINDERGARTEN" written under it, duh.
Observations I'll make so you don't have to:
1. It appears I had boobs in most of these pictures. I don't think I actually did though...I think it was just tubbiness mixed with poor posture and slim fitting sweaters.
2. The all-the-way-buttoned up shirt in 2nd grade was ALWAYS paired with a matching pair of burgandy courderoys and I think also a pair of those moccasin shoes that everyone thought were gone for good but turned out not to be. Fun fact: I had those moccasin shoes in baby pink and maybe also baby blue so...they would not have been a good match for that ensemble, but that's the way we rolled back in the day -- one pair of shoes and maybe one pair of sneakers.
3. The ribbon in my hair in that same picture was a barette made by one of the moms in the tap class I took at the Santa Clara Community Center.
4. 5th grade = The most unfortunate hairstyle of my life. I looked like a boy, but at least that was the year my mom let me get my ears pierced, which made me feel like a girl again. This was also the year we went to Disneyland and I vividly remember wearing a Minnie Mouse sweatshirt ALL THE TIME...possibly also with matching Mickey Mouse earrings.
5. The sweater in the 1st grade picture was itchy.
6. I think I was wearing Flojos in the 7th grade picture. Or possibly white hurraches. Definitely floral print knit shorts though.
Now let's fast forward 20 years to today:
Straight hair! Woo hoo!
Okay so you've all seen Love Actually, right?
You know that scene with the redhead who has the hots for the Italian guy and then they finally, after like three years, hook up at the office holiday party and she brings him home to her place but then they're interruped by phone calls from her brother in the mental institution?
What should she have done?
A. Ignored or turned off her phone and continued the business with the hot Italian guy and tended to her brother later?
B. Or did she do the right thing by dealing with her brother and blowing off the hot Italian guy?
I ask because I was discussing this movie with my man-friend (!) last night and it turns out we have opposing views on that scene and I told him I was going to ask the internet.
Please, Internet, weigh in.
Monday, December 21, 2009
Thursday, December 17, 2009
I just spent an hour looking at tour packages and flights and this and that and now alls I need is like $20,000.
Related: I had an aunt who lived in South Africa and when she would send us presents we'd open the boxes and it would smell like what I now know is moth balls, but 7-year-old me thought that was what Africa smelled like...so even now, when I smell moth balls, my brain goes "Ooh! Africa!"
One day I'll find and scan in my first or second grade school picture because I'm totally wearing my Africa dress in it.
While we're at it, I also need like $20,000 so I can go to Antarctica.
And however much it'll cost to get my arms plastic surgeried.
And if I can do all those things and continue the happy life I'm living, then I'll have done it all.
And you can guarantee that when I go to Africa I'll be bringing the value pack of Immodium.
But first, do you all know what tofu shirataki noodles are? They're like these CRAZY high fiber noodles that you buy in the tofu section and that are VERY MUCH like pasta, but you can eat a whole bag for zero Weight Watcher points. YAY for point-free pasta substitutes, but I'd advise that you not OVER eat them.
Case in point: Tofu shirataki noodles for a couple meals in a row + two donuts for breakfast = Santa finds herself with a case of what I'll call (for my mother's sake) "digestive challenges." Except it wasn't really a challenge, per se...more like a free-for-all.
So what's a Santa to do?
I'll tell you what she does:
She walks her ass into the hotel gift shop and buys a $10 box of SIX Immodium AD pills (holy markup, Parc 55 Hotel!) and washes a couple of them down with her Miller Lite.
(Seriously, those things are magic...except for that one time I mistakenly gave some to a friend I'll call...um...Sharrie because I thought she was having a digestive free-for-all except OOPS it turned out she was actually having a digestive challenge and I STOPPED HER UP GOOOOOOOOD. Thus, a lesson was learned about not dancing around the poo conversation -- just spill it and you won't end up mis-medicating.)
WHERE'S THE CHRISTMAS MIRACLE, Elizabeth!?!?
So fast forward several hours and we were at Mr. Bing's hanging out with Adam, the older Chinese gentleman who offered us drinks, drugs, ladies and Chinese food, and I start talking to a wholesome, out-of-place looking gentleman at the bar. He tells me that he and his wife had just been to see Wicked and they were waiting for the charter bus to take them back to Sacramento along with the rest of the Sacramento area musical theater fans. Oh, that's nice, hope you enjoyed, it, chit chat, whatever.
AND THEN Ho Ho Lo comes out of the bathroom with a very wholesome, out-of-place looking blonde lady and she says that I had something in my purse that her new friend IS DESPERATE FOR. Huh? YOUR TEN DOLLAR PILLS! OHHHHH!
So I fished around and found them, tore a couple off and gave them to the lady who, I SWEAR TO YOU, would have named her next child after me if I'd asked.
Can you imagine THE HORROR of facing a bus ride back to Sacramento while dealing with a digestive free-for-all?? And then THE MAGIC of a girl dressed up as Santa MAGICALLY having the cure hiding in her Santa sack??
Seriously you guys, it was a CHRISTMAS MIRACLE.
Tuesday, December 15, 2009
This is maybe my favorite picture of me from any of the Santas I've attended.
Lauren was SO SURE she was going to get a ticket from this guy but I poo-poo'd her for worrying about it but then I saw that the photographer has another picture of a Santa who was not so lucky!
Are you ready?
First, some background:
In Santas of yesteryear, Santa may not have been so good at regulating her alcohol intake but last year's Santa was SO MUCH FUN and Santa Lo and I agreed that OMG IT'S BECAUSE WE WERE MATURE AND RESPONSIBLE! WHAT A CONCEPT! So this year we had two rules:
1. Eat something.
2. NO HARD LIQUOR!
Rule #2 was eventually ammended to read "NO HARD LIQUOR (until we settle in at the Gold Dust for the night)!
And let me tell you all something:
If you follow the rules you still have plenty of fun, you are able to maintain your Santa glamour in all the pictures AND you wake up the next day and go "OMG THAT WAS FUN!" and you say that knowing that you actually remember the whole thing. (And "the whole thing" doesn't include Alyssa and John dragging your ass home from Oakland in the longest cab ride ever in the history of the world.)
Santa is mature now, yo.
Santa drinks California's finest sparking wines out of reusable, Earth-friendly containers:
Santa reuses last year's fur, which staples onto last year's boots like a charm:
We discussed taking After shots to pair with these Before shots, but I'll tell ya -- these Santas kept their youthful glows throughout the evening!
Santa Ho Ho Lo:
Santa Captain Carrie:
(Note: SCC was my very first co-Santa ever and when Santas I've only known for one year question who the hell she is, we do not take well to the bitchiness and we climb out a window to avoid you. For reals.)
And then because we don't like the awkward "OMG I'm sober and in a Santa outfit and now I have to walk somewhere?" beginning of Santarchy, we decided to take a load off in the hotel bar and wait until we knew where Santa's first stop would be (thanks Twitter!) and then just cab it like the too-glamorous-for-schlepping Santas that we are.
And really, three very awesome Santas enjoying their light beers in the lobby of a nice hotel are a sight to see so we can't blame tourists for wanting their pictures taken with us:
(And okay...maybe it was only the ONE tourist, but STILL...his wife told us that it took him a couple of drinks to work up the nerve to ask.)
And then it was time to depart:
As it turned out, Santa was organized in a different way this year and instead of a few large groups of multiple hundred Santas like there were last year or, as is tradition, one very large group of Santas, there were like a BAJILLION tiny contingents of Santas and it was all very scattered. As a result, we ended up at the Gold Dust THREE times that day (which wasn't really a problem because we love the GD).
Here I am with the COOLEST SANTA EVERRRRRRR, but who, sadly, was also maybe the crankiest and least happy to be there Santa ever:
That's not Photoshop, folks!
Santas Ho Ho Lo and Captain Carrie think something is funny, but I'm not sure what...I just like this picture of them:
This was the Santa who Ho Ho Lo wished was single (that toy soldier wasn't his gf):
What I think is so interesting about that whole dynamic was that he was just a regular guy...yeah, he was a cute regular guy, but I'm reasonably sure he thought HHL was kidding with her affection for him. And really, he's not the type of guy I've seen her go for in the past so I think this is a case of him just having that certain something that called HHL's name.
(Incidentally, there was a whole army of toy soldiers and they were UNAWARE that Britney Spears has a song about their people!)
Santa's Baby Mama:
This Santa thought Carrie was the bee's knees:
She totally is, duh, but Carrie's co-Santas were not feeling him.
We escaped him and headed over to North Beach, where we heard a large number of Santas were gathering at a bikini bar...but before entering said bikini bar, let's eat pizza!
Pizza, schmizza, but please refer to rule #1: EAT SOMETHING.
The hour or so after that was a rocky one for a variety of reasons, not the least of which was because I FELL and my BARE SKIN touched the NASTY North Beach sidewalk:
It wasn't even a *good* fall -- the sidewalk was hilly and wet and my shoes were slippery and I was gingerly tiptoeing down the hill when WOOSH, I went down on one knee and it looked like I was ready to propose.
Not to worry though because Santa was there with CANDY!
But ohhhhh, Condor...the M&Ms were the last good thing that happened in your fine establishment and we ended up escaping out the window (a large window, but a window nonetheless) because we needed to EJECT EJECT EJECT!!!!!!
(I should say that nothing REALLY bad happened, but other Santas and their drama were raining on our parade so we took our party elsewhere.)
Well shoot, let's go down the street, regroup amongst ourselves and then find a new batch of Santas when we're ready.
This is Lauren regrouping:
And then we met a gentleman who offered us drinks, drugs, ladies and Chinese food in exchange for our company for the evening:
There was a time in our lives when I could see us accepting his offer because WHAT A GOOD STORY IT WOULD BE! But we're old and less stupid now so instead of possibly waking up missing a finger or two, we thanked Adam and his cohorts for the Miller Lites and wished them all well.
Fun Fact #1: Adam (the older one) owns a Chinese restaurant in Humboldt and had a GIANT bag of Humboldt County's primary export that made the air around him stink.
Fun Fact #2: Adam's cat's name is Kung Pao. "Like the chicken," he said.
And then a bunch of other Santas came to join us, including this gentleman and his prop from 1997:
And this lady standing behind Lauren who wanted to take us (or at least Lauren) back to her warehouse in Oakland:
And then eventually we moved back to the Gold Dust to finish out the night with my homie Joel, who was not Santa'fied, but who was willing to be seen in public with us:
We finished out the night with an assortment of greasy foods that were half eaten on the street while we waited for a cab and half eaten in the hotel while we watched Nancy Grace get all fired up about something or other.
Great Santa, you guys!
Monday, December 14, 2009
2. In the meantime, OMG BURNING MAN PEOPLE LOOK WHAT YOU CAN GET FROM THE NIEMAN MARCUS CATALOG!!!!
Is that even, like, kosher? From the no-commercialism aspect of it all, I mean? But shoot, I guess I'd rather the rich burners spend $25k on one of those than fund $25k in free tickets for hippies who don't otherwise bother figuring out to pay for their own tickets and/or make grown up decisions about whether or not they can afford it.
YES, I AM A HATER.
3. When I get the pictures from last weekend uploaded I can tell you about how I fell down on a dirty North Beach sidewalk and how, at the time, I thought my only injury was the road rash on my knee but then yesterday I woke up and went OH MY!!! because oops, I hurt my foot too. AND THEN BECAUSE OMG MY LIFE IS SO HARD, I spent yesterday in bed resting my foot (and everything else) and now my eyeballs hurt, which I'm convinced is because I watched like 8 hours of movies on my laptop while in lounging positions with my eyeballs in wonky positions.
I'm sure of it.
To recap: My foot and my eyeballs are all need amputation. Except maybe only my left eyeball. And the foot, of course.
4. I hate these pants and I've spent all day trying to keep the diapery looking butt facing away from people.
5a. I have no idea what to get my future SIL for Christmas. Her bachelorette party is on Saturday though so I'll be listening hard for clues.
5b. A bachelorette party six days before Christmas? Yes. At Santana Row? Yes.
5c. Parking lot rage is almost a given.
Saturday, December 12, 2009
Friday, December 11, 2009
1. These are a size jean I haven't seen in years AND they're non-
stretch and fresh out of the dryer and THEY FIT!
2. I finalllllly ironed the pink skirt that had been lurking in the
background of my ensemble pictures.
3. Santa dress sneak peek!
4. You can't tell, but I'm wearing my new prize earrings.
Thursday, December 10, 2009
I was talking to my boss yesterday and he was all "I don't know why I scheduled that meeting with you for the 22nd...I'll be on PTO...I'm gonna cancel it" and I was all "OMG I AM GOING TO STRANGLE YOU BECAUSE I HAD A HAIR APPOINTMENT BUT I CANCELED IT BECAUSE YOU SENT THAT MEETING REQUEST AND NOW I CAN'T GET ANOTHER APPOINTMENT AND MY BROTHER IS GETTING MARRIED AND I'M GOING TO HAVE BAD HAIR NOW AND OMG!!!!!!"
He's a VERY cool boss though so he was all "OMG! I don't want to get in the way of your beautification! You NEED good hair for your brother's wedding!"
For reals. And he's not even gay. He's just a wholesome family man who used to be caught off guard by my candor but now he gets a kick out of it.
So I called the salon and asked PRETTY PRETTY PLEASE for my appointment back and THANKS TO ALL THE FINGER CROSSING, it was still available!
IT'S A CHRISTMAS MIRACLE, you guys!!!!
2. You know what is NOT a Christmas miracle?
The fact that my Christmas cards arrived and I realized that there's a TYPO and now I want to GOUGE MY EYES OUT. YAY for ordering really nice cards but BOOOOOOOO for ordering really nice cards that were sorta too expensive to justify re-ordering just because I'm missing an "s" so I'm gonna just OWN my typo.
So if you're one of the 65 people on my Christmas card list, just know that it hurts my heart to send you a typo, but that I can't NOT wish you a happy holiday season via the USPS.
3. My friend Sassy Sarah hosted an earring giveaway on her blog and OMG I WON! I'm a WIENER! So now I'm the lucky owner of these earrings THAT I LOVE:
I want to buy a pair as a Christmas gift but DAGNABBIT, I don't think the designer has any more. I've emailed her though just to see. I'd ask you all to cross your fingers for this too, but I feel like I've used up all my finger-crossing requests for the week.
Tuesday, December 8, 2009
I'm on the cancellation list and I'm reasonably sure I'll be able to get in before I go to Texas but it will be a HAIR EMERGENCY if I can't get in before my brother's wedding and I'll be damned if I'm going anywhere else because "anywhere else" is code for "MY HAIR *WILL* GET JACKED UP!"
So everyone please cross your fingers that someone cancels her hair appointment sometime between now and Christmas.
And the PISSSSSSER is that my boss will very possibly end up cancelling that meeting altogether, but not until like two hours before and it's not like I can call him and go "Hey, um, I'd like to get my hair cut in the middle of the work day -- are we for sure meeting on the 22nd?"
Monday, December 7, 2009
The guy was like "No teeth and we have to see your ears." As a person
who prides herself on knowing how to take a good photo, these
restrictions were painful, but I managed. Also: As it turns out, my
ears lay flat against my head so they're not really visible.
Saturday, December 5, 2009
Thursday, December 3, 2009
Tuesday, December 1, 2009
Phone for dinner:
(And FYI, the gurgle you hear at about :26 is not my stomach -- I was urrrrrrr'ing at my slobbery phone.)
Baby thinks I'm entertaining:
Adorable as all get-out, right?
I wouldn't even have to change my name!
2. This documentary about Japanese host clubs is FAS-CIN-A-TING:
The Great Happiness Space: Tale of an Osaka Love Thief
You think it's about one thing but then you start wondering how these chicks can afford to drop that kind of dough and then they tell you and OHHHHHHHH! It's all of a sudden it's a different movie.
Netflix it! STAT!
Also? This is just NOT my flavor:
3. Sidebar: Britney's hot hit If You Seek Amy just came up on shuffle and I'm reminded of when an anon friend was like "I don't get why people are all worked up about that song -- what's wrong with seeing Amy?" And I was all "Awwwwl, Puddin...been listening to the Radio Disney version?"
4. I've also been watching Carrier, a PBS reality series (documentary?) about life on the USS Nimitz during the current war.
I've gotta give it another FAS-CIN-A-TING. It makes me simultaneously glad and disappointed that I never joined the military.
It's also worth noting that for all the "We are fighting for our freedom, THIS IS FOR YOU, 9/11 VICTIMS!" interview clips they show, there are a solid number of "I don't really get the connection between 9/11 and what we're doing here...they're different people, aren't they?" and "I do not agree with our President, but it is my duty to do what he says" interviews.
5. I was alllllllllll set to click PUBLISH and then I got an email alerting me to the fact that my pictures from the Mermaid Run I did a few weeks ago were ready.
So I looked at them and OH HOLY HELL.
You know how stupid you look in those roller coaster pictures where you don't know you're having your picture taken?
Well imagine THAT level of glamour PLUS the following:
* stretch pants
However good I felt about myself for running that damn thing IS NOTHING compared to all the pictures they sent me of a fat girl with seven chins and stretch pants.
This, my darling internet, is the LEAST bad one:
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- Golden Gate Bridge, you kicked my ass this morning...
- Nutella Baklava
- Proof that I was not just BORN with good hair:
- The hole in my knee
- I'm having a dress altered...
- One day when I win the lottery...
- I totally forgot to tell you about how I preformed...
- HO AGAIN!
- Listen to me whine.
- Wondering if Weslie is a man or a lady.
- Exciting things about this picture:
- My new wallpaper
- Passport Photos: CHECK!
- We took a cable car here and everything!
- Reading with Grandma
- Another day, another horrifying race photo hiding ...
- For my mom...
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