...instead of sitting on my couch, eating Easter candy. Damp spleen, MY ASS.
Wednesday, March 27, 2013
I think I was looking at her reflected in the mirror,, originally uploaded by dumpstar_drummer.
But she is looking intently at her own reflection. Proof of her EH Jr'ness.
But look! The toupee is less RE-DONK from the front.
Tuesday, March 26, 2013
Monday, March 25, 2013
I'm watching a Real World San Francisco marathon. This season aired the summer I graduated from high school and all the socks with Birkenstocks, high wasted jeans and pagers are completely distracting me from the story line
This part is about making breakfast but all I can see is the old Minute Maid orange juice cartons. I have no idea what color they are now, but I know they're not black anymore.
Ahh, olden days.
Wednesday, March 20, 2013
Saturday, March 16, 2013
Friday, March 15, 2013
I ran past a photographer in a squatting-and-taking-pictures-from-below position, which confirms for me that any children or short people who are NOT afraid of me, must be blind:
Basically, I hate all the people who look beautiful when they cross finish lines because *I* look like THIS:
Tuesday, March 12, 2013
1. Baby AJ and My SIL Who Does Not Wear John Deere Pajamas came over for a visit on Sunday. When AJ saw me and realized that she was coming to my house she got a big grin on her face and started running toward me.
My heart was full.
2. I was at work today when my brother called me (a very rare thing). It turns out my darling nephew had drawn me a picture and wanted to talk to me about it. So there, right smack dab in the middle of expensive consultant we-are- super-discreet-about-personal-calls land, I said "Hi, Baby" and then we discussed that I told him my favorite color was blue a few days ago, but he drew me a picture in red and that he was going to turn FOUR in June .
And again, my heart was full.
Sunday, March 10, 2013
Saturday, March 9, 2013
The place itself was weird because it was like a cattle call of former gang members and their girlfriends, all getting their face tattoos and misc gang tattoos removed...and it turns out that none of these people have learned to follow the rules of common courtesy -- like, PUT YOUR PHONE ON MUTE, DICKHEAD!
But I guess they never had the luxury of working for me, because these are the things I hammer into the heads of the people who work for me -- so much so that now I don't even have to tell the new ones because the other ones do. Like "Keep your hair tidy, don't have a chipped manicure two days in a row and don't chew gum" and then I love the old ones A MILLION TIMES MORE for saving me the trouble.
(And the best part is that I know they all understand how important these things are now that I've pointed them out.)
(And they'll all also tell you that my NUMBER ONE RULE is to take care of your skin. Sunscreen, moisturizer, etc. My world ages the crap out of people so pay attention young ones! Want to be 23 and look 30? Then don't listen to me.)
But back to the tattoos.
Here's the before (though the 15-years-ago version of the before had this looking much more purple and yellow and white, but apparently your feet don't have any fat so they don't hold color for shit):
I neglected to take a before picture of the one on my leg, but it's another small one. I totally don't get why it's SO MUCH WORSE looking than the one on my foot, but this one doesn't hurt at all...whereas the foot one feels like, OH HEY, someone tried to burn the skin off:
I really don't think it's supposed to look that bad, but it does so oh well.
I'll also add that these photos don't accurately represent the swelling.
Fun Facts About Tattoo Removal:
1. It hurts LIKE A MOTHERFUCKER. Probably the worst pain I've ever allowed to be inflicted on myself. I'm trying to think if I've ever felt worse pain and I'm reminded of how bad it hurt when I broke my hand, but I DARE say that this hurt more. It was less of a hurts-to-the-core pain of a broken bone and more of a "OMG SOMEONE IS TRYING TO SCRAPE MY SKIN OFF RIGHT NOW MAKE THEM STOPPPPPPPPPPPPP" pain.
It DEFINITELY hurt more intensely (but for a shorter duration) than when I had my tonsils removed at 29 years old, which is my other litmus test / pain measurement.
If you ask my family, I have a high pain tolerance...so if I were to ever have a baby I'd want to do that shit naturally for a variety of reasons, but if it were anything in comparison to this pain (and I'm guessing childbirth is way worse), I'd probably be screaming UNCLE UNCLE UNCLE pretty quickly.
I felt realllllllllllllllllllly bad for the dude after me who was applying an ice pack to the giant "S" on his cheek that he was apparently going to have removed. (This same dude also had "Elizabeth" tattooed on his head, which I think means I should probably date him.)
2. The area turns completely white for several minutes and it continues to hurt and your head is all confused because HOW DID YOU LET THIS HAPPEN TO YOUR OWN SELF??
3. Then it looks like the pictures above and once your nervous system returns to normal an hour or two later, you can imagine wearing shoes again one day.
4. I walked out of this place and learned that tattoo removal sparked the third time ever I've been like "OMG I NEED A DRINK." Luckily, Leslie was available for some day drinking.
So there you go, folks.
Tattoo removal aint for the weak, but it's my own damn fault that I'm even in a position to know.
Friday, March 8, 2013
In other news, I don't really have any other news to report. Let's try anyway:
1. Sunday I'll be running the 408k, which means that by Monday I may need double knee replacement surgery.
2. Tomorrow I'm having the first of I'm-not-sure-how-many tattoo removal sessions.
Ladies, I do not recommend getting tattoos A) when you're under 30 or B) that are in any way related to dudes you are dating when you are 19.
I've been staring at that thing for at least the last 15 years thinking "OMG YOU'RE SO TRASHY AND STUPID." I didn't get it BECAUSE of him, but he paid for it and the tattoo and the dude are related in my head. If I actually liked the tattoo I'm sure it would be different, but I don't, so they're connected.
For bonus excitement: I am anti-med spa and the only other place I found that did tattoo removals was this once-a-month pop up gang tattoo removal non-profit. I called them and confirmed that they did not discriminate against my non-gang-related tattoos, but HOOOOOOOOOO BOY, I'll betcha that'll be worth a blog post or two.
So that's what I'll be doing Saturday afternoon: Kicking it with former gang members who are trying to get their lives straightened out. WATCH ME FIND A NEW BOYFRIEND THERE. Probably one who is getting his life back together by working as a shipping and receiving clerk...because I can't seem to ever date NON-shipping and receiving clerks.
Or college graduates.
The gang member / former gang member thing will be a first though.
DON'T WORRY MOM AND DAD, I AM KIDDING.
3. I am waiting to get to the part of weight loss where you lose enough weight that your joints stop hurting like motherfuckers. I'm fine with muscle soreness, but OMG MY KNEEEEEEEEEEEEEEES. I know that knees are troublespots with even skinny people, but they say that even small amounts of weight loss reduce the stress on your knees by whatever percent.
SO WHEN'S THAT GOING TO KICK IN!?!?
The other old lady wah wah wah I have is that I did something to one of my hands (I think while riding my new bike..that I don't think I ever reported out on here, actually) and now I can't do pushups on my palms -- I have to do them on my knuckles and now my knuckles are getting ugly.
4. But yeah, I got a new bike! It was my own gift to myself and I love it:
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