Sunday, July 31, 2011
I cited the movie Baby Boom as an example.
You've seen it, right? Probably on TBS or something for most people, but it was on heavy rotation in my VCR in the early 90's. If you've been living under VHS-free rock, it's about a high-powered executive lady (Diane Keaton) with a fancy New York City lifestyle who inherits a baby from a dead long lost cousin and then she breaks up with her high-powered NYC boyfriend (Igor from Ghost Busters), moves to Vermont, starts a gourmet baby food company, falls in love with the town veterinarian and lives happily ever after.
Sorry if I ruined the ending for you.
But anyway, before she inherits the baby, Diane Keaton and Igor from Ghostbusters are in bed, reading worky-looking papers, and he asks her if she wants to "make love" and then they put the paperwork aside, the camera shoots to the clock, we see that they "make love" for five minutes and then the camera returns to Diane Keaton and Igor from Ghostbusters and other than a few mussed hairs, they're still pajama'd and they go on about their reading.
Eleven-year-old Elizabeth had a vague idea about what sex was, but I was really perplexed about what "making love" might be. With Baby Boom as my limited evidence, surely it was something brief that was done while still fully clothed.
The cashier and I laughed at my naivety.
Then just now a song from that same era came on, which got this post brewing in my head while I sang along and swept the floor:
So based on Baby Boom and Heart's All I Wanna Do is Make Love to You, I knew the following to be true about making love:
1. It didn't take very long.
2. You didn't have to take your clothes off, but it was something that could get you pregnant.
3. It was something you could do with either your boyfriend or a hitchhiker.
I don't have a smart or scandalous ending to this story (my life is boring and free of Ghostbusters and hitchhikers), but it was running through my brain, so now let it run through YOUR brain, Internet.
Also: Unprotected sex with a hitchhiker?
Saturday, July 30, 2011
Friday, July 29, 2011
I worked at Apple EIGHT THOUSAND YEARS AGO and this dude would have given you a pissy "I am in Industrial Design and yes, you dumbass, that's more than just deciding shade of teal to make the iMac" stare if you'd called him anything but "Jonathan," so I'm amused to see that he's suddenly "Jony."
And yeah, that was eight thousand years ago and MAYBE HE LOOSENED UP, except that I watched an Apple video semi recently (within the last year, at least) and he was "Jonathan," which I remember because I also thought "OH! Jonathan Ive shaved his head! Amazing how that ups someone's desirability! Too bad the stick probably didn't get removed along with the hair!"
But now he's Jony. All casual-like.
And to his credit, it's been like FOURTEEN years and he doesn't appear to have aged a whole lot.
Thursday, July 28, 2011
Wednesday, July 27, 2011
Monday, July 25, 2011
Shadow Art! Whoever came up with this is probably really, really smart (possibly in a not-necessarily-useful-for-real-life kind of way):
This one is a reminder that I need to enjoy the journey...even if the journey is along a road paved with assholes:
And finally, some really wise words:
Sunday, July 24, 2011
1. Joanie's 40th birthday wine tasting extravaganza. I even busted out the REAL camera to take pictures, if you can believe it. No camera phone pictures here!
Things I'll Post About Now:
1. I watched a documentary about a guy who went on a 60 day juice fast called Fat, Sick and Nearly Dead. The first half of it was about a cocky Australian guy driving across America and eating nothing but juice and losing like 75 pounds in the process. The second half of it is about how a 400+ pound trucker asked him for help and about how the trucker's life changed as a result. The first half was interesting, but the second half was wonderful.
It was really inspiring and I'm HALF tempted to do a five or ten day juice fast, but I don't think I have the willpower.
2. Two more Pintrest finds:
That first one tickled my funny bone something awful.
Saturday, July 23, 2011
Thursday, July 21, 2011
Wednesday, July 20, 2011
When I get called out for wearing a denim'y dress to work I'm going to pull the IT'S DARK BLUE CHAMBRAY card and see what they say. I tried wearing this dress to a non-work event and took it right back off because it's just TOOOOOO boring for a non-work dress so DAGNABBIT, I'm wearing it to work.
Tuesday, July 19, 2011
Trying to learn enough about plumbing on the internet to solve your own plumbing issues.
Things I *DO* Advise:
Getting it done faster by just calling a plumber on day one. Especially because then you wouldn't have three days of dirty dishes, a dismantled sink and a plumber in your kitchen when a SURPRISE! real estate agent comes to show your house to a nice couple even though you have a text from YOUR real estate agent saying that they were scheduled for WEDNESDAY. Not Tuesday.
But at least you didn't have any dirty underwear on the floor or anything.
And at least when the nice couple asked you questions you were able to give friendly, positive and helpful answers. Except for that one where they asked you if you liked the neighborhood and you enthusiastically said YES and that you were thinking about moving to the building across the street when this place sells. (Which isn't a LIE, but you maaaaaaaaaay have neglected the caveat about "But no way in hell would I live street level again because of all the drunks who sit/do drugs/pee on my front steps" part.)
In any event, Project: Make the Water Drain Out of the Sink Without Manual Intervention is mostly finished.
Monday, July 18, 2011
Sunday, July 17, 2011
Okay, well...maybe I should stick to apps and manis., originally uploaded by dumpstar_drummer.
A little something I like to call "Plumbing Without Tools", originally uploaded by dumpstar_drummer.
Not particularly successful. Off to borrow a tool from my dad.
Friday, July 15, 2011
On the upside, there have certainly been times when I had $100 spending money to get me through the MONTH, so I can get over myself for a few days.
Financial responsibility! Yay!
2. My Facebook friends will have already seen this, but this was an icebreaker at the last speed dating event I went to:
I don't really have any commentary to add other than I CAN'T IMAGINE ANYONE ACTUALLY ANSWERING THAT IN A SPEED DATING SCENARIO!!!
3. I just noticed that I had a comment spam folder! And that it was a goldmine of REALLY NICE THINGS people have said..so if you left me a nice comment and it appeared to have been deleted or ignored, it's Blogger's fault.
Unless you're my brother, in which case I *did* delete your last comment, but that was for your own good.
4. And here's a little something that I'm posting purely because it has the potential to make my mom (and probably plenty of other people) giggle:
I'd guess that the two end dudes in the bottom row got the most action.
* One traveling compaion
* One month of PTO
* Gas/food/lodging money
In the olden days I would have gone an adventure like this on my own, but I think we've learned that the older I get, the more I don't *want* to do these things on my own...so instead, I'll hang tight and hope for all of the above to magically appear.
Note: Grand Canyon, Jordan, New Orleans, Graceland, Tonya, David, Outer Banks, Mackinaw Island, Leigh, Kristy, Jason and 15 states I've never visited -- I'm coming to see you. One day.
Thursday, July 14, 2011
1. I was just having a conversation with a colleague (who I recently realized is a fellow blogger!) about how we don't like sleeves on our coffee because they seem wasteful and REALLY, is the cup SO HOT that your little princess hands can't handle it???
I told her about how I used to date a dude who would ask for his coffee in a double cup, which annoyed me because WHY SO WASTEFUL?? He told me that it was because his hands were too big for a sleeve and he needed a double cup to enjoy his coffee without burning his giant (princess) hands.
But then that led to a story about how I met him at Weight Watchers and when we'd go to the sushi boat I started noticing that he'd put every other plate or so on MY stack of plates (For my mom and other non sushi-boaters: You take plates off the boat as they pass by and stack them up and then they charge you for the number of plates in your stack). It wasn't a big whoop because I ALWAYS ENDED UP PAYING ANYWAY, but I felt like it was a very passive-aggressive Weight Watchery move and I'd end up feeling very self conscious about this huge stack of plates in front of me that made me look like I'd eaten my weight in sushi.
1a. When I finally finish my book, THAT dude will be the star of the "Reasons Why You Shouldn't Date Men Who Read More Self-Help Books Than Regular Books, No Matter How Cute They Are" chapter.
1b. Speaking of the book writing, I read a blurb yesterday that I printed out with the intention of tattooing it on the backs of my hands (or something):
"E.L. Doctorow once said that 'writing a novel is like driving a car at night. You can only see as far as your headlights, but you can make the whole trip that way.' You don't have to see where you're going, you don't have to see your desination or everything you will pass along the way. You just have to see two or three feet ahead of you. This is right up there with the best advice about writing or life I have ever heard."
One of many reasons I admire Maggie Mason.
2. We've discussed that my brother's genes are so strong that even though his wife is a dark skinned and dark haired Filipina, their son, my darling nephew, looks VERY MUCH like a Holt, right? I'd actually say that he looks very much like ME as a baby, but with dark hair and eyes. The bonus to this is that for whatever magical DNA reason, my brother's red hair shows up in his son -- particularly in the sun, when his little head has a definite mahogany glow.
So the other day I standing in the sun, holding my darling nephew and I noticed that he had two hairs that were either GRAY or BLONDE.
Either of these scenarios are mind boggling.
3. My friends Becky and Henry recently bought a fancy new condo. I went over for dinner last weekend and when I got there Becky met me in the garage and we took the elevator up. The doors opened and we entered what I thought was the building's lobby or something but HEY! THERE'S HENRY IN THE KITCHEN! WHAT?
I've seen these elevators-that-enter-directly-into-the-home situations in movies, but never in real life and I'm telling you, Internet -- it took me a whole glass of wine to get my jaw up off the floor.
3a. I don't recall how we got on the subject of The Time When My Tonsils Attacked Me, but I was telling them about how my ankles blew up like balloons and suddenly all my shoes started rubbing holes in me (I'm an awesome dinner guest, OBVIOUSLY) and I told Becky that I'd post photographic proof on my blog FOR ALL TO SEE. Lucky you, Internet.
As someone who has always taken pride in her ankles as being the ONE part of her that is slim and lovely, THIS WAS VERY DISTRESSING.
But blah blah blah, that was several years ago and my ankles are fine now and I haven't had strep throat again since.
(For reals, yo. The ankles were related to strep throat. HOW EXCITING, RIGHT??)
4. And finally, I'd like to report that my darling niece is recovering from the pacemaker fiasco LIKE A CHAMP! The main "problem" is that since we can't hold her up under her arms for another six weeks (Did you know that they break sternums in order to install pacemakers in babies?? OUCH!), she can't do any of the learning-to-put-weight-on-her-legs stuff that she'd be inclined to do at this age.
But BIG WHOOP. She is alive and happy and adorable and that's all that matters.
4a. I intended to quote my friend Dionne in the original post I wrote about the baby pacemaker fiasco but it slipped my mind. She sent me a few very kind thinking-about-you-guys emails while we were in the midst of it all and I think she hit the nail on the head:
Baby ICUs are such complex places and nothing makes you as sad and grateful all at the same time.
Dionne's own daughter was in the ICU for a while so she knows what she's talking about.
5. And since I don't want to end on what could be interpreted as a downer, I'll end by reporting that my other brother got me watching The Voice. I didn't catch it while it was actually still on TV, but that's okay because watching it on Hulu meant I was better able to capture one of Christina Aguilera's shining moments:
Monday, July 11, 2011
Friday, July 8, 2011
I don't love you for that but chances are, I won't notice.
Coughing up loogie after loogie on my stoop WHILE smoking pot?
You bet your ass I'll A) notice and B) open that door and surprise you mid-inhale and ask you to please move along.
Also: Way to get the day started off with a bang, gentlemen.
Thursday, July 7, 2011
That's my darling niece, by the way. (If you were confused to see pictures of her looking happy and not SO! SERIOUS!)
But wait, Elizabeth! Why was your serious(ly adorable) niece in the hospital??
She had her well baby appointment last week and her heart rate was 1/3 what it should have been and then dropped to 1/3 of THAT over night and BADA BING, my very serious niece was getting a very serious pacemaker and a vay-cay in the ICU at Stanford.
The whole ordeal was horrible and scary and stressful for everyone but now that sweet Baby AJ is safe and sound at home, I have some observations to make:
1. A volunteer came out to talk to us while Baby AJ was in recovery. He mentioned that sixteen years ago to the day, his grandson had been there with a head injury and had brain surgery. He continued on going through the stuff he was giving Ben and Sarah and at the end, my brother Ben, whose baby had JUST had heart surgery, thanked him and then asked about his grandson.
The grandson, we learned, had just graduated from college and was going to be a teacher but the part that warmed my heart the most was that my brother, in all his personal agony, thought to ask.
2. My other brother, Baby AJ's uncle, can sing her Elvis songs and show tunes and she'll stop crying and stare at him.
3. After five nights in the ICU, Baby AJ was moved out of the pit of despair and up to a regular room, which was far less awful for all the expected "the kids there seem to be on the mend and not as horrifyingly sick and surrounded by eight thousand BEEP BEEP BEEP machines" reasons, but also because the room came with a recliner and a couch. If you heard a guttural groan of comfort echoing throughout the universe around 5PM on Tuesday evening, that was the noise Sarah made when she sat in the recliner and reclined -- her first comfortable seating in five days.
4. The nurses, nurse practitioners and physicians assistants at that hospital are all totally young and hot. Just about every last one of them, anyway. Word on the street is that this is because working at a children's hospital and seeing all the horribly sad things that happen to children takes its toll early and the caregivers tend to burn out lickety split so there's always a fresh crop of 20-something nurses.
I can totally get that because the 20 minutes I spent sitting in the lobby waiting for my dad one morning was like watching a really horrible parade of sick, bald children.
Sick adults are bad, but so many sick children in one place made me wonder why God would be so cruel.
But our family has been granted a reprieve, and for that I'm very thankful.
And saying "I'm very thankful" is like the understatement of the year.
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