Wednesday, September 28, 2011

I didn't want a pink stuffed elephant doll. And: Baby Girl Skywalker.

We had a work event at Dave & Buster's tonight. The food sucks and I'm not into the arcade AT ALL so I'm never JUMPING! UP! AND! DOWN! to go, but I did end up having a good time for a three reasons:

1. I got to watch two chicks I work with, including the Amazing Race Winner, play Dance Dance Revolution.

When we first got there, there were 10 or so geeks watching the current players (dancers?) and it was unclear who was next. The Amazing Race Winner just walked right up to one of the dudes, smiled real big, and asked him if he was in line.

I was FASCINATED to see that she was like hot oil in a frying pan because DAAAAMN, the geeks all SCATTERED as soon as a gorgeous girl in figure-hugging suit asked if she could play next.

I'll also say that this chick has many talents, but DDR'ing isn't one of them. (XOXO SS!)

2. I had 20 or so tickets after playing a few rounds of Deal or No Deal and *I* sure as heck didn't want any of the prizes available in the "store" so I gave them away to a pre-teen who acted like I'd just given him a million dollars.

So sweet. Made my night.

3. While I was watching some colleagues play skee ball (an awful value in terms of ticket winnings), I swiped my card on one of those machines where you drop a coin in the slot and hope to make other coins fall off the edge and then you get tickets based on how many coins drop off the edge.

It started with just me and one other chick killing time by dropping coins, but then we figured out the strategy and the tickets just came pouring out. It wasn't too long before all six spots of this otherwise totally unpopular game were filled with a bunch of us, all in our professional ensembles in a sea of Raiders jerseys, trying to knock coins off the ledge.

I ended up with a huge pile of tickets at my feet and I was sort of excited to go find another pre-teen and make his day with an armload of free tickets. One dude I worked with really wanted my tickets for himself but DUDE, YOU WORE A DOLCE AND GABANA POLO SHIRT to last night's crab feed -- you don't need my tickets.

And then another chick I work with thought I should give them to one of our peeps so he could get something good for his kid.

But no, I wanted to go make some stranger kid's day.

So we walked around, looking for the recipient of my riches but it had gotten late and most of the people in there were too old or too non-fresh-faced-and-adorable to earn my tickets. I did find one kid who I really wanted to give them to, but realized that he was VERY BUSY playing some sort of machine gun video game where he had to kill swamp creatures or something and I didn't want to interrupt him. I tried to wait him out, but he never died and realized that I was the 35 year old woman standing around, "watching" a 12-year-old play a video game and THAT'S not flattering, so I gave up on him.

I did eventually find a chubby 12-year-old who looked like he might appreciate my tickets so I offered them to him but he looked like a deer in the headlights and wouldn't take them and called for his mom.


But I couldn't just walk away because that would have been weird too, so I was like "Dude, I'm just trying to give you my tickets. I don't want them" but my generosity was VERY CONFUSING.

His mom eventually came over (with a decent handful of tickets already) and I had to explain that I was just trying to get rid of my tickets. She was surprised and happy to take them, but it just wasn't the same as the pre-teen GLEE that I experienced earlier with my measly 20 tickets.

BOO for not just giving them to Dolce & Gabana, but I guess that kid's mother should be pleased that her kid doesn't take candy (tickets) from strangers.


In other "I Work With Interesting People" news, another chick I work with told me today that her college roommate was Luke Skywalker's daughter.

Monday, September 26, 2011

Wub You

One of these days I'll get around to telling you all about Tahoe and about my birthday and about how I still haven't gained my juice fast weight back and about how I haven't had caffeine in like 38 days or something and about how I still have pretty awesome focus and about how I'm going to wait until I donate blood again (next month) so I can have my blood pressure taken so I can see if the caffeine-free living has a positive impact on that and if it does, then adios forever caffeine, but if not then I'll probably break at some point and even if I do continue with the caffeine-free living, I'll have to get a decaf pumpkin spice latte because HELLO, IT'S IMPOSSIBLE TO AUTUMN WITHOUT ONE!


1. Work is killing me. KILLING ME. Dead. I will stop working 12 hour days on October 19th though so cross your fingers I make it that long.

2. Married people continue to be flabbergasted that someone as wonderful as ME could be single, but I'm tell you guys, there's like a force field of man-repellent around me.

3. I'm moving back into my parents' guest bedroom in a few weeks, but I SWEAR TO YOU, it'll only be until February so I can get through Christmas and Guam without having to pay rent.

4. Oh hey, I'm going to Guam! In January! To visit my friends Aly and John! And Carrie is coming too! And I'm hoping to get an overnight layover in Tokyo so we can get our passports stamped and check Asia off my list of continents (though I totalllllly recognize that "Asia" shouldn't be checked off with one 14 layover in Tokyo, but it's good enough for me...also...I'm not sure if Japan counts as Asia as in the CONTINENT because Japan is an island, so I'll most likely talk myself into going back one day).

4a. And Danielle, YOU BET YOUR BRITCHES that if we go to Japan I'll be bringing home a suitcase of weird Kit Kats!!!

5. And speaking of Danielle, I am going to visit her and her husband Mike and their baby Will in like TWO WEEKS! Jordan is coming to represent Team Texas too! HOLLER!

6. And I'll have to be sure to do the whole Tahoe/birthday/juice fast catch up crap SOON because if I get into October and I haven't told you about August yet and I have a trip to recap, I'm NEVER gonna get back to I'll add that to my to list along with the "Work 10-12 hour days every day except for Friday when I can still be up sending emails to people at 1AM because I don't have to get up at the ass crack of dawn the next day so I can make it into the office early so I can get some PEACE AND QUIET ALREADY" and the "pack up the house and move again" and the "try to keep my life in order" items that are currently sucking up my time and giving me gray hair and wrinkles.

6a. The good news is that there's hardly anything to report for September because I was too busy going to work, coming home, eating dinner standing by the kitchen sink, going to bed and then going to work again. Rinse and repeat.

6b. Also on the To Do list: Ask boss if I can expense Botox for the increasingly deep concentration line forming between my eyes.

7. And btw, the thing that is keeping me tied to my desk at all hours was SUPPOSED TO BE a one time thing but I've heard rumors that it's going to happen again, at which point I might have a stroke.


9. And then just so I can post something not worky-whiney -- My niece and nephew are perfect and wonderful and I adore them. My miracle niece is much less serious in her old age and my darling nephew can MAKE MY WHOLE DAMN DAY by running over and giving me a hug and a kiss.

OOH! And the other day I told him that I loved him (for probably the 75th time that day) and he replied "Wub you" and I nearly died. (In the good way and not in the "life being sucked out of me by work" way.)

I will be so sad when he gets older and is embarrassed by his Aunt Elizabeth saying "I love you, my precious darling." BUT HOW CAN I EVER STOP??!!

10. Also: Nevermind the context, but I just got this text from Ho Ho Lo:

Pretty soon you are going to be hitting on Jersey-esque douchebags and I'll be drooling over bearded, socially awkward dudes...What's happening to us!?

And then I ELL OH ELL'D.

Saturday, September 17, 2011

The Foursquare mayor of my car wash

I'm not sure what's going on here, but it sure looks exciting.

Also noteworthy: He is also the mayor of a tanning place and a 24 Hour Fitness.

Thursday, September 15, 2011

Our miracle baby finally shows interest in our photo shoots!

And I swear, I did actually have a good hair day today.

Wednesday, September 14, 2011

Symphony Disco Picnic

Oh haaaaaaaay, look at ME blogging something right after it happened instead of being all "this is what happened two months ago!" [Except that OOPS! I wrote this post on Sunday but am only just getting around to posting it on WEDNESDAY!]

So on Saturday night Farah was in a disco show with the Modesto Symphony (there's a lot going on in that sentence so I'll give you a minute to process that...and yes, Modesto DOES have a symphony!).

My parents and I trekked out to Modesto to support our favorite songstress and once we A) found the damn place and B) walked the half mile or so from our parking spot while also carrying our folding chairs and picnic supplies in the 90 degree heat, we had a lovely time.

I spotted this sign on the walk from the parking lot to the disco picnic. We have no idea what happens in the holt shop, but we're glad to know there is one:

The event was held on the grounds of the E & J Gallo Winery...and if you're familiar with California wineries, they don't tend to be in MODESTO...but I do know that plenty of cheaper wines do actually get their grapes from the central valley so it makes sense. Every winery I've ever been to has been adorable and winery'y but the Gallo winery was more like a very loud, very large wine factory (which isn't surprising given the fact that Gallo is sold in gallon jugs). But on the other side of the industrial vats of wine was a pond and a huge meadow and suddenly, we were no longer in Modesto, but on a really lovely hill surrounded by a few thousand picnickers.

And then the bonus to 90 degree heat is that when the sun goes down it's still a very pleasant 77 degrees. We settled in, I skipped the $10 bottles of Gallo wine and bought the top of the line $18 bottle from some other winery (but that was probably just fancier Gallo wine), and enjoyed the show.

Somewhere toward the end I decided I'd beat the crowd and hike the 750 miles back to my parents' car, bring it around to the front of the venue and then let them drive me back to my car.

I'm a full service daughter, and all.

It was a good plan -- I even got to see the fireworks, just from the parking lot and not in a picturesque setting:

The problem with this strategy was that once I got the car and was headed back to get my parents, I suddenly became the one lone salmon swimming upstream. But you know what? My mom's car is large and I quickly figured out that if you just GO, then the sea of smaller cars will part and BOOM, you'll make it to your destination.

(And then sometimes, when you pick up your parents and they happen to be standing next to a particularly drunk gentleman, your dad might try to sell him a ride for $100 and the drunk gentleman will refuse until he sees that you're the driver, at which point he'll point at you and yell "YOU ARE CUTE!" and then you yell back "I KNOW!" And then your parents get too much of a kick out of it and you have to remind them that "UM HELLO, PARENTS! I *AM* CUTE!!!" and then they'll still blame the alcohol.)

Ma and Pa drove themselves home and I went to Farah's hotel, possibly the only "high rise" (9 floors) in Modesto, and after a good catchup, we set the alarm for 8AM and went to sleep.

[Sidebar: Earlier that day my complex held its annual fire alarm test, which meant that I had to sit there for 45 minutes while the alarm SCREECHED in my ear and wait for the inspectors to come by to verify that yes, my alarm was operational and that yes, my sprinklers worked (the operational fire alarm was obvious, but I have no idea how they could tell that the sprinklers worked).]

So anyway, Farah and I were asleep and then suddenly at 2:30AM there was a SCREECH! SCREECH! SCREECH! PLEASE EVACUATE! SCREECH! SCREECH! SCREECH! and I was totally confused because of all the fire alarm excitement I'd already had that day and I couldn't figure out if I was still at home or if it was my phone making that LOUD AND AWFUL NOISE but noooo...there was a man advising me to evacuate and it was all very discombobulating. Farah eventually figured out how to turn on the light (not an easy feat when you're dead asleep and then suddenly in a cacophony of SCREECH! SCREECH! SCREECH!) and we established that no, it was not my phone or her was an actual alarm telling us to evacuate.

I was confused and disoriented, but not so disoriented that I'd leave the hotel room without a bra and pants, so I organized myself, Farah put more clothes on too, we grabbed our phones and purses and headed out.

On our way down the hall to the stairs, we encountered multiple European tourists popping their heads out of their rooms, some more clothed that others. I'm no linguist, but I think I might have learned "What is going on? Do we have to put our bras on and leave too?" in three different languages that night.

Yes, German lady with the spiked hair, leopard print reading glasses and short little black do.

We exited the building with a few hundred fellow hotel guests and waited while three firetrucks and an ambulance did their thang.

Note: Farah, who lives in New York, purposefully opted not to fly home immediately because she didn't want to fly on 9/11 so the DANGER! DANGER! DANGER! FIRE ALARM! EVACUATE! DANGER! wake up call on 9/11 was a particularly nerve-wracking one.

In the end, it was a false alarm. Someone up on the 9th floor kindly pulled the fire alarm as a prank or something, which meant that I was treated to a fashion show of European sleepwear.

BONUS: There were at least two and possibly three wedding-related groups at the Modesto Doubletree that night. Once everyone was in their pajamas they all blended together with the tourists, but my FAVORITE PART was that there was one couple standing outside where the dude was wearing sweatpants and flip flops and the poor chick was still in her party dress and heels...which leads me to believe that she may not have been a registered guest with a suitcase of alternative clothing options.

I think they enjoyed a different kind of fireworks.



Please keep in mind, Internet, that should we ever be in Jamba Juice together and I happen to notice a poster for the previous night's event that has your picture on it, I'll probably ask you to strike a very serious pose next to the print-you and then post it on the internet.

But don't you worry don't have to be a celebrity at Jamba Juice for the real VIP moment -- a picture on my parents' stoop -- but you DO have to be someone special.

Friday, September 9, 2011

The most excited I've ever been for a date...especially one I won't be going on.

Four score and seven thousand years ago, I worked for this dude who EVERYONE thought was SUPER HOT but I, Queen of Flirting and Crushes, did not. I mean, I *did*, because he was undeniably attractive and we got along really, really well and to this day I'd count him as one of my favorite bosses of all time, but I just never thought of him like that.

A couple years after I stopped working for him I happened to have paid for a month of eHarmony and one morning I woke up to HIS face in my daily "You've been matched with these men" email and even though I hadn't worked for him in a while, I knew he'd be HORRIFIED if I knew he'd been internet dating (he's very private) so I LAUNCHED myself out of bed, looked up an actual phone number for the peeps at eHarmony and called them to beg them to UNDO IT. I told them that he was my current boss (even though he wasn't), and we all agreed that OH DEAR, THAT WOULD BE AWKWARD and they made it go away.

I liked that dude enough to save him from the horror. And what's totally interesting is that I TOTALLY get why eHarmony would match us -- we for sure got along really well, definitely liked and respected each other and blah blah blah. So good job, eHarmony...sort of. I knew there was a 0% chance of us dating, despite the platonic compatibility, but mostly I just wanted to save him from waking up to that email announcing that Elizabeth from San Jose would be a great match for him.


So anyway...some of you know this story. One of my BFFs, who I won't out as an internet dater, even totally knew this story once I started refreshing her memory earlier this evening.

How'd it come up, you might wonder?

Well, internet...let me tell you something:

We were out having a drink or two and she admits that there's this dude from the internet who she's going to meet next week. He's much more her type than [this other dude], she tells me. I groan because her type tends to = DOUCHEBAG. And then she tells me that he used to work for PG&E (my old company) and that his name is [Dude]. I immediately inquire "[Dude] Smithersborgen?" And she confirms that YES! THAT'S HIM!

And then I OMG NO WAY!!!!! And then tell her how THIS IS EXACTLY PERFECT!!! Because I REALLY, GENUINELY liked that dude and he is ABSOLUTELY attractive and there's no reason for me to have been so definitely not attracted to him OTHER THAN PSYCHICALLY KNOWING THAT MAYBE MY BFF IS GOING TO DATE HIM IN THE FUTURE!!

So I told her that he is for sure attractive, he's for sure wonderful and that all the gay men and straight women in the office had the hots for him (except for me) and that the running joke was that maybe if [The Other Boss Dude] had [Dude's] sexy accent, people would be more willing to listen.

But she had no idea that he had an accent because they haven't actually met yet. But she does already know that he doesn't like vegetables, which is a fact I can confirm because as Self-Appointed Employee of the Year, I knew to order his lunch without vegetables.

So anyway, internet, I am SO EXCITED about this date and I'm not even going on it!!!! And at the very least, I hope he doesn't freak out (he's very private) when he finds out that his hot date is BFFs with ME. But on the other hand, I really like that dude and I do think he's good enough for her, which is a rare thing.

Monday, September 5, 2011

Saturday, September 3, 2011


NASBPOTD, originally uploaded by dumpstar_drummer.

Going out with my homegirl Ho Ho Lo for the first time in WEEKS. Can't decide if this dress is cute or totally unflattering.


OALOPOTD, originally uploaded by dumpstar_drummer.

Look where I am!!

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