This mirror is a flattering liar.
Sunday, November 27, 2011
Saturday, November 26, 2011
And just so you know, I really, truly was on my way to a workout -- I don't wear leggings and Uggs in public without good reason.
And then I came home and copied something I'd seen on the www:
The problem with really awesome turkey veggie platters is that nobody wants to actually eat the veggies.
Aunt Suzie sent her pictures from Thanksgiving and I'm not sure what she was capturing here, but this one cracks me up:
And then on Friday, after a hearty breakfast of leftover spinach dip and pecan pie, I joined Leslie, her family and her mom's homies on a wine bus bonanza to celebrate her mom's 60th birthday. I think I was expecting more of a wine shuttle, so I was really surprised when a big ol' BUS showed up for us...but not as surprised as I was when we actually boarded the bus and realized that it was like a bachelorette party bus or something with champagne, couches and neon in the ceiling!
CAREN KNOWS HOW TO PARTY!
The party bus took us to a few different wineries in the Santa Cruz Mountains, a wine tasting trail I'd never blazed before. Leslie and I were walking around outside of stop #1 and I was like "Let's see if they have a tractor anywhere" and then we turned around and OMG THERE'S A TRACTOR!
You know how much I love me a tractor photo shoot don't you, Internet?
Winery #2 was actually at a concert venue/winery that I've been to a number of times, but never when I had the chance to stand EXACTLY! WHERE! LYLE! LOVETT! STOOD!
Winery #3 was where we had some heavy pours, which led to a photo shoot with my favorite flavor of grapes, conveniently planted the year I was born!
And then the party bus took us back down the mountain to Casa de Leslie, I packed my wine purchases up, and took myself home for a dinner of more pecan pie.
That pecan pie, I'll have you know, was soaped up and thrown into the garbage this morning because I can not be trusted with it and I need to STOP EATING.
That brings us to the present, where it's 5:19PM on a Saturday night and I'm still unshowered (even after a particularly sweaty Dailey Method class this morning) and the only things on my rocking Saturday night agenda are:
1. Not eating Chinese food
4. Nail painting
WATCH OUT, WORLD!
Thursday, November 24, 2011
Wednesday, November 23, 2011
She likes to give me crap for playing words she thinks are fake. I told her that I just played another word I didn't actually know the meaning of and when she looked at it she was all "Oh I know what 'geld' means -- it's to remove the testicles of an animal -- like a horse."
And then I lolled because HOW DOES MY MOTHER KNOW ABOUT HORSE TESTICLE REMOVAL??
My precious darling is sick, but Grandma is on hand for napping support., originally uploaded by dumpstar_drummer.
Tuesday, November 22, 2011
This stupid REGULAR Coke is disguised as a DIET Coke and now I have to get another 65 cents and go get an actual Diet Coke.
I'm going to put the fake Diet Coke in my parents' fridge, but I suspect it will remain there until the end of time because even my dad doesn't drink regular Coke anymore.
Monday, November 21, 2011
1. Like how you can see the suction cup mark from my magnified mirror?
2. The shirt is actually gray.
3. Mission: BUY NEW PANTS has been a failure so far. In a couple hours these pants will look like I'm wearing a diaper. I'm gonna try to Black Friday myself some pants that actually fit. Worse problems to have and all, but stilllllll...
Saturday, November 19, 2011
Sunday, November 13, 2011
I never gained any of my juice fast weight back, I maintained the no-caffeine thing for over two months and generally felt really great post-fast. So great that I'm doing a 5-day version of it with Lauren and her mom the week after Thanksgiving, but this time we're paying someone to do the juicing for us because juicing is a pain in the ass and requires a lot of counter space (that I do not currently have).
And then when I have my own house again I'll be doing another 10 day fast. February-ish? Post-Guam? We'll see.
10 days is a long ass time, but now that I've proven I can do it, I want to do it a couple times a year.
The only other juice fast thing I have to report is that everything was SO CRAZY SALTY after I finally started eating again. I was hoping to maintain that sensitivity to salt but nooooo...I'm a salt lover...it has crept back into my diet.
No beef jerky though...I'm keeping that promise to myself. I don't neeeeeed beef jerky in my life so it's on the black list, along with Burger King and Weinerschnitzel -- both fast food restaurants I've given up as my past couple of new year resolutions.
So there you go.
Summer 2011 Juice Fast: CHECK!
Danielle had a baby who Jordan and I hadn't yet met so we hopped on some planes and went to visit Mike and Danielle and Will and Lizzie V and Kathy and Stella (Team Kathy and Stella are sadly not featured in the photo bonanza on my camera!) and THE AMISH.
I'd say he's the cutest kid alive, but you probably already know that I'm partial to a couple other kids. I CAN say, with 100% accuracy, that he's the cutest baby boy on the east coast:
I FOUND ANOTHER TRACTOR! My third in 2011!
We visited Cumberland, MD -- a little town in western Maryland where Danielle used to live. Each light post in the downtown area had seasonal decor strapped to it and did not appear to be at risk for theft or vandalism. SMALL TOWN LIVING! Sadly, I only got a picture of the one that looks politically incorrect, but it was a CROW, you guys. The others were things like scarecrows and pilgrims:
After visiting the Amish and enjoying some sausage and a not-Amish-but-not-mainstream family singing group and then perusing estate jewels in Cumberland, we went to one of the most beautiful places I'd ever seen and sat on the porch and looked at the fall foliage and drank cocktails. I seem to be missing pictures from that portion, but I'm totally going back one day so there'll be a second chance. We sat out there long after our reservation time until they finally came outside and asked us if were EVER planning on coming inside for dinner.
(Because apparently the olives in my martinis weren't supposed to be dinner.)
Good dinner, good friends, perfect evening.
I want to go back one day and have there be a basket with my name on it:
And maybe buy one of the most perfect pumpkins I'd ever seen, even though it would be a pain (and probably illegal) to bring back into CA:
Seriously. SO CUTE. That smile is a killer.
I went for a walk the next morning and saw adorable houses and red trees:
Then we all got in the car and looked at some BEAUTIFUL scenery:
We saw babbling brooks:
(Mostly I just wanted to post that one because HEY THERE DAILEY METHOD THIGHS, WHAT'S UP!?)
I had the weight of the world on my shoulders:
We saw waterfalls that were SO PRETTY they looked fake:
And then we went to another spot and we climbed up to the top of the world:
And then I climbed out on the ledge and successfully did not fall off and die:
We stopped on the side of the highway so I could photo opp with the Eastern Continental Divide:
Jordan gave Will some wax lips:
We posed for one last photo together before I got dropped off at the airport (poor Jordan's flight was delayed eight million hours, but she got extra quality time with Team Maryland so whateverrrrrrrr):
And then I came home and had to move the next day.
xoxo Team MD, VA, PA, TX and CA!
Saturday, November 12, 2011
If you're going to be on I Didn't Know I Was Pregnant..., originally uploaded by dumpstar_drummer.
...don't you give them a wedding photo where your eyes are open?
Friday, November 11, 2011
After the camp my teacher made a comment to my parents about how she was worried I didn’t have a good time or that it had been rough for me or something.
And hoooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooo boy…she was correct.
Ever experience the agony of being the fat girl targeted by a group of 12-year-old mean girls?
When I think back to the handful of times I wish I could get in my time machine and go back to stick up for myself, that weekend is at the top of the list.
Granted, the fact that I slept in nightgowns when all the other girls slept in shorts and t-shirts and the fact that I maaaaaaaaay have farted when trying to climb down from the top bunk (the last time I ever voluntarily took the top bunk) meant that I sort of gave them a lot to work with, but dude, that weekend sucked.
I remember there was this team building (?) activity where everyone laid down next to each other and rolled in the same direction, creating a conveyer belt-like thing for one person who laid perpendicularly on top of the others. The people on the bottom rolled and eventually rolled the person on top off, at which point that person joined the conveyer belt and the next person became the roll-ee.
Now, if I were somehow confronted with this exercise today, I’d say I AM SITTING THIS SHIT OUT, ASSHOLES…but 12-year-old me was a people pleaser who was terrified of sticking out or disobeying, so I dutifully took my position on top of my fellow smart 12-year-olds and OHHHHHHHHH the moaning and groaning under the weight of me was LOUD. (And seriously, in retrospect, I was a chubby 12-year-old, but I wasn’t a 200 pounder or anything so I’m EXTRA annoyed with those bitches for giving me a complex.) That whole thing is on the Top Ten Most Embarrassing Events of My Childhood list.
The whole thing was miserable, I ate my meals alone (or with the teachers, who would join me so I wouldn’t be at a table all by myself) and I generally COULD NOT WAIT TO GET THE HELL OUT OF THERE.
On the last day the leaders gave us awards and I got a tongue-in-cheek “Most Talkative” award from my leader, who happened to have also worked at my daycare when I was in elementary school (and on whom I maaaaaaaay have had a major pre-teen crush).
We were also given “yearbooks” with all the other campers’ phone numbers and addresses so we could keep in touch (KIT!) with all of our new BFFs.
And then a month or so later I got an envelope in the mail with an intentionally smudged and unintelligible return address. Inside was an ad for weight loss pills that had been clipped out of the newspaper with a note that said “Elizabeth – Try this – it works!”
I don’t know for sure that it had been oh-so-graciously mailed to me by the mean girls at smart kid camp, but in general the kids I went to school with didn’t tend to go out of their way to be mean to me (though there was that one time I was accidentally passed a note in class and opened it up to see a sketch of a Jabba the Hut-esque creature called “Elizabeth Eating Lunch” that the artist LAUNCHED across the classroom to snatch out of my hand so I wouldn’t see…but he was a moment too late…) so I’ve always chalked that pleasant weight loss pill suggestion via the USPS to be from one of the girls from that camp.
But blah blah blah, being an adolescent SUCKS for 75,000 reasons. We all have those awful stories to tell, I know.
Fast forward 23 years to today and I was looking at the invite list for my friend Terry’s 40th birthday party. One of the names looked familiar so I looked him up on Facebook and I OMG’d because it looks like I’ll be seeing the leader who gave me the “Most Talkative” award at that hellish smart kid camp. I’d love to just say “OMG I had the biggest crush on you when you worked at my day care!!” but because we’ll be going wine tasting as part of this birthday celebration, I’m prettttty sure it’ll be “OMG I had the biggest crush on you when you worked at my day care! And then two years later you tried to be nice to me at smart kid camp by giving me a silly award but really that backfired and those girls were extra mean to me. It was an event that haunted me for years and years but don’t worry, I turned out okay.”
So I have to figure out a way to tell that story so it’s light and OH HA HA and not OMG TEEN ANGST BEING REVISITED 20+ YEARS LATER AND PS HAPPY BIRTHDAY TERRY.
Tuesday, November 8, 2011
Saturday, November 5, 2011
Wednesday, November 2, 2011
JUST IN TIME to see my precious darlings all dressed up for Halloween:
He is not usually let loose with cups full of M&Ms so it was impossible to get him to stop chewing and start smiling (though he did tell me the color of each M&M as it went into his mouth so it was sort of educational...I suppose) and she wasn't sure WTF to make of the whole suddenly-dressed-as-a-fish situation.
(And I swear, that girl does smile. She's not the OH SO SERIOUS lady she used to be.)
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