My Facebook friends know how this story ends.

Hey Internet, guess what I did on Sunday?

I kayaked!

How sporty of me, right?

I KNOW!

My brother, SIL and I had Groupons for a kayaking tour in Santa Cruz and Sarah's homie Hillary (also seen HERE and HERE) was in town from Iowa so brought her along with us.

This is what I look like when I'm wearing a tank top, a t-shirt, a hoodie, a puffy vest and a life jacket:



FA-IERCE.

This is what Sarah and Hillary look like wearing life jackets and kayak skirts:



This look on my brother's face is indicative of the CRANKY PANTS who was BENT that he was missing THE Giants game of the year so he could kayak:



He snapped out of it once he saw what a stellar kayak'er I was, but I was darn near ready to leave his ass on the DOCK.

But they eventually got tucked into their kayak:



And took off:



And then Hillary got tucked in:



And took off:



And then after a few moments of "maybe I don't really need to do this," I got into my own kayak and took off.

We paddled around with our guide and looked at sea otters and the kelp forest and sea lions and birds and snails and starfish and it was all perfectly lovely -- particularly when I finally learned how to not crash into people. I told the guide I was going to practice and try to join the US Olympic kayaking team. I even got bold enough to take my camera out of the protective bubble of the waterproof bag they gave me and take a few pictures while out on the water:









And then it was time to paddle back over to the dock and everything was fine.

UNTIL IT WASN'T.

Because OH MY GOD INTERNET, MY KAYAK CAPSIZED AND I FELL INTO THE WATER.

My brother and Sarah and the other people in our group had all safely docked and disembarked. Sarah was back up on the wharf taking pictures so I called to her and asked her to take my picture with Hillary and then I, GENTLY LIKE A SILENT SNOWFLAKE, started to paddle the 20 or so feet over to Hillary and then WHOOSH! My time IN the kayak was suddenly over.

I have no idea how it happened and even trying to reconstruct the series of events with everyone there was fruitless. "You were paddling over to Hillary and then WOOSH! You were gone!"

So there I was, kicking it in the water. Except that "kicking it" really means that I was GASPING for air because the cold water was SHOCKING (if you haven't experienced the water off of Northern California before, it is NOT known for its warmth) and laughing and trying to find my water bag with CAMERA AND PHONE and just generally trying to figure out WHAT THE HELL HAD JUST HAPPENED.

So while I'm doing all that, the sweet, young kayak guides JUMPED into SAVE THE LADY action.

One of them got into a kayak and paddled right over to me (I was within 10 yards of the dock) and had to tell me five times to HANG ONTO THE BOAT, but I was too interested in finding my water bag.

My life, SCHMIFE! I wanted my iPhone back!!!!!!!!!!

Plus, I can swim (which I realize now he didn't know) so I knew I wasn't going to die or anything.

Other thoughts running through my brain:

* OMG I AM COLD!

* It's like I'm on the Deadliest Catch! Where's my survival suit?!

* HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAAH GASP GASP GASP HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAAHHA!

* Yeah, yeah, I hear you -- grab the boat, I know, I know, but WHERE'S MY BAG??

And then I was at the dock at they were pretty urgently trying to get me out of the water and telling me it was just like getting out of a swimming pool (which is easier said than done, particularly when you're wearing 75 layers of SOAKED clothes) and I remember thinking that it would maybe be easier for me to take off my pants and my life jacket and just swim to the beach a couple hundred yards away (the end result of that strategy -- being on the beach without my pants -- didn't seem to matter at the time). But shoot, okay, since I was there, I'd at least try to pull myself onto the dock like a beached whale. Thankfully, the other kayak guy was there and grabbed my life jacket and hauled my fat ass up onto the dock.

It was a proud moment for me.

And then I was on the dock and my hands were purple and I was laughing and I was THRILLED that Hillary rescued my bag and then my wet clothes and I climbed up the ladder to the wharf and encountered a group of women about ready to climb down to the dock for their tour.

THIS IS HOW YOU DO IT, LADIES!

My brother, SIL, Hillary, the kayak guys and I were all laughing as I peeled off SOPPING WET layer after SOPPING WET layer and it was all just completely ridiculous.

And then I posed with my saviors:



Appropriate shirt, don't you think?

And then I came home and tried like hell to get warm.

And then we went out for sushi.

And you know what, Internet? After alllll that? I'd totally do it again.