German Bikers Who Are Not Pirates

Okay so here's where I admit something unflattering about myself so that I can tell you a story. Longtime readers of the other incarnations of my blogging world will be all "What? Dude, I think we all already know all the unflattering stuff about you, Ms 'Look at This Picture and Tell Me if This is an Ingrown Hair or a TUMAH"

BUT YOU GUYS, that was back before MY FAMILY and other normal people started reading me and I had to start keeping it clean.

So here's the thing I have to tell you in order to tell you a story:

I have unwanted hair and I pay a lady to stick a magic wand into each hair follicle and electrocute it.

AND NOW YOU KNOW.

(I would also like to say that I AM NOT ALONE IN MY HAIRY PLIGHT! I'm just willing to admit it.)

I'm sure this isn't proper facial hair removal etiquette and I should probably avert my eyes to allow the other hairy beasts with appointments before and after mine some privacy, but I can't help but peek and speculate about their specific problem areas. A few weeks ago there was a man whose wife wanted him to get his eyebrows permanently tamed (Confidential to my favorite WoW player: FYI) so that was a brief thrill, but for the most part, they're all tubby middle-aged women who are probably there for the same chinny chin chin whiskers that I'm there for.

BUT LAST NIGHT I heard the last appointment finishing up and the hair zapper lady and the client stood at the counter (you can't see the client until they actually emerge from behind the door) discussing payment, next appointments, Thanksgiving plans, etc. I heard the client's voice and I was excited that OMG IT'S MY FIRST TRANSGENDERED PARTNER IN HAIR REMOVAL! AND SHE WAS GERMAN! AND SHE WAS A BIKER!

(Carrie will feel me on my excitement at encountering another German biker, but she didn't mention also being a pirate, so the trifecta was left incomplete.)

Except I WAS WRONG because she walked through the door and it turned out that she was just a biological woman who appeared to have some sort of excessive growth hormone issue, which I assumed was why she was like 6'6", had a deep-ish voice and was (based on the conversation) being treated for a facial hair problem.

We smiled at each other as she walked past me and then the hair removal lady was like "Wait!" and then motioned for me to stand up and compare my height to the German biker.

I'm 5'11" and I'm riiiiight at the upper end of the "tall but not freakishly tall" spectrum and, in my experience, women who are much taller than me DON'T WANT TO TALK ABOUT IT. *Especially* women like this lady who was EXCEPTIONALLY tall.

But okay, fine, I can make polite conversation about it.

"Yeah, you win! You're taller than me!"

"Oh but at least you can wear heels, I wouldn't dare."

The German biker gave me a really kind smile and I really wanted to hug her and whisper that I had no idea why the hair removal lady thought this would be amusing and that I was sorry but enjoy the lonely hearts Thanksgiving you're hosting for your biker friends and your trip home to Germany for Christmas!

And then she left and the hair removal lady immediately blabbed that she used to be a he and then went on for a few minutes about how sweet she was and how the biker community has really embraced her and I've been thinking about the whole exchange ever since.

Specifically:

1. It's bad enough that she'd directly compare a freakishly tall lady to a regular tall lady -- like the freakishly tall lady really WANTS to hear that WHOA, YOU'RE WAY TALLER THAN THIS OTHER REALLY TALL LADY!

2. BUT DOES SHE THINK A TRANSGENDERED LADY REALLY WANTS TO BE COMPARED TO A BIOLOGICAL WOMAN LIKE THAT? "Oh hey, look at this biological lady who is so much more passable than you are!"

2a. And really, while we're at it, why would a biological woman want her physical attributes to be compared with someone who used to be a man?

3. I don't understand what either of us were supposed to get out of that whole interaction.

4. For a 6'6"-ish transgendered lady, she was kinda passable in a possibly-has-gigantism kind of way.

In Summary:

I have unwanted facial hair.

Single bikers in the area have something to do for Thanksgiving.