I need a new white slip.

Two embarrassing things have happened recently and since I am generally organized enough to be able to avoid these types of mishaps, I'm thinking I'm slipping and I need to step up my game!

Embarrassing Thing #1:

I was at my boss's bachelorette party a couple of weeks ago and I had to sneeze. Until very recently, I've been a sneeze-in-the-hand-and-if-something-comes-out-gracefully-hide-it-and-then-wash-it girl but for whatever reason, on this night I chose to sneeze into my elbow.

My mother is probably cringing right now. That was not what I was taught.

I learned my lesson though because I SNEEZED A BIG CHUNK OF GOO OUT ONTO MY BLACK SWEATER!!!!!

AND I HAD AN AUDIENCE!

I wasn't sure what to do so I wiped it off with my hand and then played cool for a moment while I considered the best course of action and then realized that I needed to GO TO THE BATHROOM AND WASH YOUR HANDS, DUMMY.

So I've been living with that shame and the horror that the chick who saw it go down was the one chick I don't know very well or have a good rapport with and now she's going to think I'm disgusting.

Embarrassing Thing #2:

I'm going to blame this one on the fat girl slip makers.

So, if you're a fattie and you want to buy a slip, you're generally limited to knee-length and longer slips (which tells me not many fatties are wearing slips because they sell PLENTY of shorter-than-that skirts to my people). I have one short black slip that I bought FOUR SCORE AND SEVEN MILLION YEARS AGO that I'm sure was sold during a momentary lapse in judgement by the slip makers of the world and I have one long cream colored slip that I have to rig by pinning it to my bra, but even then it's too long for most of my above-the-knee skirts.

But what do I wear when I wear a shortish skirt with a considerable amount of white in it?

Not the black one because it would show through and not the cream one because even rigged to my bra, it's too long. As a result of my inadequate slip supply (that I've tried IN VAIN to correct), I am forced to resort to an item I bought out of a catalog when I was eighteen. Possibly even younger than that -- I had to fill out my order form and mail it in, it was so long ago.

Okay so this thing I bought looks exactly like a slip, but was marketed as ladies' boxer shorts...so it is short (mid-thigh, I'd say) and loose and made out of slip-like material and is totally slip like, but with a crotch. I've worn the hell out of it over the years (I tried it as actual underwear once but the crotch hangs really low and it was too damn breezy for me) and as time went by, the seam holding the crotch in place started to fade away and eventually one end of the crotch part was hanging on by only an inch or two of stitching.

Until today, when I went to the bathroom to discover that the crotch had finally given up the ghost and was now DANGLING FREELY.

I'll also add that I must be dehydrated because I've only been to the bathroom a few times today so there's NO TELLING HOW LONG IT HAS BEEN LIKE THAT!

I am currently maintaining hope that my fat thighs were finally good for something -- In this case, I'm hoping they were good at holding onto the DANGLING CROTCH and keeping the evidence up above my hemline because otherwise I would have been the lady walking around the office with FAT LADY BOXER SHORT CROTCH hanging down outside of her dress!!!

I made it through the Rapture, but I now might die from humilitation if anyone saw the crotch hanging out of my dress.

CROSS YOUR FINGERS FOR ME, INTERNET!!