I Was in Heaven and then I Was in Hell and Now I'm Back at Sea Level

Alternate Title #1: Some Dude Named Steven Carter is a Mind Reader

Alternate Title #2: Hindsight is 20/20

A therapist friend of mine was pretty insistent that I read a book called Men Who Can't Love because she was CONVINCED that Joe was [80's pop psych warning!] a commitmentphobe. I know he has more baggage than he can carry, but I didn't think fear of commitment or love were part of his problems. She was SURE of it though so I finally broke down and read the book because I wanted to be able to tell her that NO, HE DOESN'T HAVE COMMITMENT ISSUES SO SHUT UP ABOUT IT ALREADY.

So I put on elastic-waisted pants, got a cat, read the Cathy comic strip, drank some Folgers crystals and started reading this embarrassing-to-own book. I guess it was ALL THE RAGE in like 1986 or whenever it was originally published and I was READY to roll my eyes throughout the whole thing except OH MY GOD YOU GUYS, it's like the author was watching the entire Joe/Elizabeth relationship unfold and wrote it all down. But like 25 years before it actually happened.

A storybook romance that ends bizarrely?

CHECK!

A woman who is left going WHAT THE HELL JUST HAPPENED HERE?

CHECK!

I had to stop and go find a highlighter because sooooo much of it was DEAD ON BALLS ACCURATE of Joe. The book is all "The commitmentphobe will likely tell the woman THIS and then THAT and then THIS (CHECK! CHECK! CHECK!) and then they'll fall madly, deeply in love (CHECK!) and then he'll suddenly develop anxiety problems (CHECK!) and then he'll cruelly dump her (CHECK!) and leave her scratching her head and thinking he *must* be having some sort of a breakdown (CHECK!) and then, free from the pressure of commitment, he'll start coming back around (CHECK!), but this time the cycle will all progress much faster and the woman will be abandoned even more cruelly than before (CHECK!) and oh, PS, there will most likely be another woman involved (CHECK!) and don't be surprised if she lives out of the area (CHECK!) but the original woman shouldn't feel like she was inadequate because the more perfect and wonderful and attractive she is (CHECK, CHECK, CHECK, duh!), the more he's going to freak out and run the other way because women like her are the marrying kind and that's exactly what is freaking him out, even though he was the one who started the conversations about marriage and being together forever (CHECK!)."

And then I was like

OH.

MY.

GOD.

It also calls out the "But he was married! How can he be a commitmentphobe?" question and says that some men don't start to feel trapped until after the I Do's.
I don't really understand the details behind why his marriage ended but I wouldn't be surprised if his ex would be able to see her relationship with him in the book too...particularly since I can read the part about how the men will get involved with other (geographically undesirable) women and then see how *I* was that other woman in his relationship with his wife.

Oops. Sorry about that, Former Mrs Joe!

I wasn't the reason why his marriage ended -- it was (allegedly) over before I even came back on the scene -- but the book even says that these other women will often be women from his past...which is true of me AND of the girl he's seeing now.

He did exactly what the book said he'd do and I responded exactly the way the book said I would. I'm AMAZED that we're both so cookie cutter.

It even said that the woman will swear to you that their relationship was special and unique and that she'll swear he must be going through some sort of breakdown and will stand by her man because their relationship was preordained or destiny.

I'm totally blown away at how NAIL ON HEAD that Steven Carter guy is.

Final thoughts before I put the "Bob" tag to bed, once and for all:

1. I'm embarrassed that I found the answer in a self-help book, but I'm relieved to understand how he could have been so in love with me one minute and then so horrible to me the next. I already know that there's nothing I could have done differently, but now I know that his demons are bigger than both of us and I'm the lucky one because I don't have to live in his head and spend my life cycling through feelings of loneliness, anxiety and entrapment. Rinse and repeat.

2. I must admit: If I knew then what I know now I'd probably still walk right into the fire. I recognized other men I've dated in the descriptions of the commitmentphobes but they were far less impactful to me because I wasn't in love with any of them.

You wanna be a dick? Fine. I'm out. ADIOS.

But I spent the better part of 30 years loving Joe so there was no way I was going to walk away without trying my hardest because I would not want to spend another 30 years wondering what might have been.

Which is not to say if he showed up tomorrow I'd be all "Oh, puddin', let me kiss it and make it better" because that wouldn't be the case at all. I'm just saying that if I could rewind a year, I'd probably do it all over again.

3. I will probably never forgive him for what he's done, but now that I'm back at sea level I can forget about him. I feel like I've FINALLY released the ghost and I feel pretty good about whatever comes next.