I totally forgot to tell you about how I preformed a Christmas miracle!

My mother is going to read this and be horrified that I discussed poo on the internet, but she'll get over it because I PREFORMED A CHRISTMAS MIRACLE! I brought JOY to the hearts of at least two people from Sacramento!

But first, do you all know what tofu shirataki noodles are? They're like these CRAZY high fiber noodles that you buy in the tofu section and that are VERY MUCH like pasta, but you can eat a whole bag for zero Weight Watcher points. YAY for point-free pasta substitutes, but I'd advise that you not OVER eat them.

Case in point: Tofu shirataki noodles for a couple meals in a row + two donuts for breakfast = Santa finds herself with a case of what I'll call (for my mother's sake) "digestive challenges." Except it wasn't really a challenge, per se...more like a free-for-all.

So what's a Santa to do?

I'll tell you what she does:

She walks her ass into the hotel gift shop and buys a $10 box of SIX Immodium AD pills (holy markup, Parc 55 Hotel!) and washes a couple of them down with her Miller Lite.

Problem: SOLVED

(Seriously, those things are magic...except for that one time I mistakenly gave some to a friend I'll call...um...Sharrie because I thought she was having a digestive free-for-all except OOPS it turned out she was actually having a digestive challenge and I STOPPED HER UP GOOOOOOOOD. Thus, a lesson was learned about not dancing around the poo conversation -- just spill it and you won't end up mis-medicating.)

WHERE'S THE CHRISTMAS MIRACLE, Elizabeth!?!?

Okay!

So fast forward several hours and we were at Mr. Bing's hanging out with Adam, the older Chinese gentleman who offered us drinks, drugs, ladies and Chinese food, and I start talking to a wholesome, out-of-place looking gentleman at the bar. He tells me that he and his wife had just been to see Wicked and they were waiting for the charter bus to take them back to Sacramento along with the rest of the Sacramento area musical theater fans. Oh, that's nice, hope you enjoyed, it, chit chat, whatever.

AND THEN Ho Ho Lo comes out of the bathroom with a very wholesome, out-of-place looking blonde lady and she says that I had something in my purse that her new friend IS DESPERATE FOR. Huh? YOUR TEN DOLLAR PILLS! OHHHHH!

So I fished around and found them, tore a couple off and gave them to the lady who, I SWEAR TO YOU, would have named her next child after me if I'd asked.

Can you imagine THE HORROR of facing a bus ride back to Sacramento while dealing with a digestive free-for-all?? And then THE MAGIC of a girl dressed up as Santa MAGICALLY having the cure hiding in her Santa sack??

Seriously you guys, it was a CHRISTMAS MIRACLE.