I didn't go to my 5:30AM step class.

I had grand plans to get up for my 5:30AM step class so when my alarm went off this morning I was like OH MY GOD IT'S TOO EARLY BUT I HAVE TO DO THIS.

The night before I'd even tried making a deal with my secret boyfriend to motivate myself: "If I make it to my 5:30AM step class will you burn those jeans I hate so much?" Sadly, me going to my 5:30AM step class is only something *I* want to do...he doesn't care and therefore was not willing to sacrifice his too-short, too-light CARPENTER jeans to the cause.

Okay FINE, Mr. 1997!

But then I realized it was only 12:30 and it wasn't my alarm, it was my brother calling me. I wasn't coherent enough to panic at the late night call and now, nine hours later, it all seems like a dream that you could probably convince me never actually happened in real life.

Nothing bad happened. Just so you know.

This isn't going to end with "and then I had to identify the body at the morgue" or anything, so stop worrying. In fact, I'll tell you right now that it ends with "My sister in law wears John Deere pajamas."

So my brother went to spring training in Arizona last night. He tried calling Sarah to let her know he'd landed but she didn't answer her phone and the longer she didn't answer the phone, the more freaked out he got (which I think is reasonable for most people, but my police man brother who A-D-O-R-E-S his wife takes the reasonable amount of concern and doubles it). I don't think he was *quite* ready to get on a plane and fly home just to make sure she hadn't been kidnapped, but he was worried enough to call me.

We discussed that I'd go over to their house, a whopping five minutes away, to confirm that her car was in the driveway and then re-evaluate. I knew that a knock on the door in the middle of the night would FREAK HER THE FUCK OUT, but I also knew that my brother WOULD.NOT.REST until he knew his wife was safe and if I could give him a little peace of mind, I would.

I considered driving over there in my pajamas because seriously, if all went well, it would be a twelve minute round trip. But really, WHERE WAS SARAH? WHY wasn't she answering her phone? WHAT IF I have to call the police? WHAT IF I had to see people and ended up spending excess time in public wearing too-big pajama pants and a sweatshirt? BRALESS, even??

Because seriously, that would be my nightmare. Tragedy PLUS pajamas-in-public?

UNFATHOMABLE.

So I put on a bra and actual pants, tiptoed out the back door so I didn't wake the whole house up and get everybody freaked out, and drove over to Ben & Sarah's house.

[Sidebar: Attention San Jose Traffic Planners: WHAT IS UP with the light at Park and Hedding? WHY didn't it trigger that I was there for AT LEAST three minutes? In the middle of the night? WHY???? I ended up cutting through the church parking lot but seriously, I was all the way down at Newhall before I saw the light turn green in my rear view mirror.

I FINALLY arrived at their house (approximately six minutes after departure, which was two minutes longer than expected because of that damn light) and oh shit. I don't see Sarah's car. But there's a black Altima in the driveway.

Now here's where my eyes started crossing because what I thought was me just making sure Sarah hadn't been kidnapped all of a sudden had the potential to be me catching Sarah with her Altima-driving boyfriend when my brother was out of town!

This was SO NOT POSSIBLE and Sarah's going to read this and be butthurt that I'd even THINK for a MINUTE that A) she had a secret boyfriend on the side and B) she'd ever even date an Altima driver anyway. But seriously, can you BLAME ME for the thought crossing my mind?

The Facts:

1. Her husband is out of town.

2. It's the middle of the night.

3. There's a strange car in her driveway -- literally and potentially figuratively.

4. She's not answering her husband's calls.

So I called my brother and was like "Dude, I don't see HER car, but I see a black Altima."

AND GUESS WHAT?

It's the rental she's driving because she was in a car crash a week or two ago.

Okay, duh. BUT COME ON BENNY -- I should have been given that info in advance, especiallllly when he was asking me to drive by to see if "her car" was in the driveway.

So we decide that I'll knock on the door, which will alert Dave who will wake the whole house up, and cross my fingers that I don't give Sarah a heart attack for knocking on her door in the middle of the night.

*Knock*

Dave: BARK BARK BARK BARK BARK!

*The blinds at the front of the house rustle.*

Dave: BARK BARK BARK BARK BARK!

Me: Sarah, it's Elizabeth.

*Front door FLINGS open.*

Sarah (in her John Deere pajamas): WHAT'S WRONG?

Me: Everything's okay. Benny's just freaking out because you haven't been answering your phone.

Dave: BESIDE HIMSELF WITH JOY that I came to visit him in the middle of the night! HOW EXCITING! LET ME LICK YOU! OOH! AND WHAT IS THIS? NIGHT TIME MOISTURIZER ALL OVER YOUR FACE? HOW DELICIOUS! LET ME LICK IT ALL OFF!

I handed Sarah my phone so Ben could confirm that she hadn't been kidnapped and that her phone was just off (oops), apologized for scaring the BEJEZIS out of her, and went home.

20 minutes after my phone rang, I was back in bed.

It took me an hour or so of reading to fall back asleep and then when I *did* fall asleep, I had vivid dreams about my secret boyfriend's roommate and something about taking pictures for this blog. When I woke up I actually had to check my blog to make sure I *hadn't* sleep-posted.

So anyway, that's why I didn't go to my 5:30AM step class.

In conclusion, I'll list all the crappy things that have happened to Sarah in March:

1. Dave got attacked by a pit bull while Sarah was walking him and needed stitches. As it turns out, it was Dave's fault for being a jerk to the pit bull, but I think I already reported about this fiasco.

2. She got into a car crash.

3. Her grandparents came for a visit and Grandma promptly ended up in the hospital.

4. I scared her half to death by appearing at her door in the middle of the night.

5. I told the internet that she wears John Deere pajamas.

Everybody is fine, I'm the only one with a secret boyfriend and it's true (and look at me keeping my word about how this was going to end!): My sister in law wears John Deere pajamas.