About to dip the baby in chlorine.

Well shoot.

I've sort of lost the ability to talk about the Joe situation gracefully. The words "LYING, CHEATING ASSHOLE" keep coming out of my mouth and that's just not flattering.

I was talking to my SIL last night and was like "OMG YOU WILL NOT BELIEVE IT!" and she was like "How could it possibly be worse than the post-it note thing??" and I was like "GIRRRRRRRRRRRRRL, LET.ME.TELL.YOU."

And then when I told her she agreed that yes, as bad as the post-it note thing was, this was worse.

I'm officially off the roller coaster and it feels better than I thought it would but while I'm walking out of the theme park I can't help but take peeks back and wonder how in the hell I had been SO WRONG. How was it possible that we were SO in love and SO confident and SO happy, only for it to fall apart SO spectacularly?

I was doing a Stella & Dot party last night and the hostess and I were chatting while I was setting up and I blurted out that OMG JOE IS A LYING, CHEATING ASSHOLE AND I REALLY CAN'T BELIEVE IT.

She volunteered that the first time she felt so much confidence about a relationship that eventually ended she asked herself how she could ever REALLY know if the relationship she would have SWORN would last, didn't. How could she ever trust that feeling?

I haven't known this friend for long and she wouldn't have known that this exact thought had been haunting me for months because I'd never really ever verbalized it: I loved him like I never loved anyone else and I felt SO SO SO SO SURE that he was my future but clearly, he's not. How can I ever ever ever ever trust that feeling ever ever ever ever again?

She said that she has since felt that confidence in a few subsequent relationships and that each time, it feels different. Not really different bad or different good...just different.

It's not really an answer to the question because how do I know when it's different in the forever kind of way? But I suppose if that feeling is sustainable by both parties for a long period of time and lives are grown into each other and commitments are made, it just becomes different in the forever kind of way?

I don't know.

I'm STUNNED that our logistical challenges (Seattle, Chicago, San Jose and the distance between them) went away but were immediately replaced with challenges I thought we were immune to (trust, respect and love).

I really want to say that the man he is today isn't the man he really is, he's going through a really rough time, I love him and I want to be supportive, BLAH BLAH BLAH. Except when I was 19 his final words to me were that I'd always be alone. I'm disappointed in him for choosing a similar sentiment this time around.

"Your impossible standards mean you'll end up alone."

So I guess he hasn't changed much in 15 years.

I feel like I should say that he didn't cheat on ME. He cheated on someone else WITH me and lied to me in the process. If my "impossible standards" of love, trust and monogamy are what keep me from ever finding a partner, then so be it.

But whatever. I'm a woman scorned. I'm a dime a dozen. The thing that DISGUSTS me and the thing that is SO UNFORGIVABLE is that my family got pulled into this mess too.

He hugged my parents. He held my nephew (who, I should point out, wouldn't give him the time of day). These are the people who are the most important to me IN THE WORLD and he, by association, played with their emotions too and THIS is the part that breaks my heart and makes me want to use all caps when I say that he is a LYING, CHEATING ASSHOLE.

Remember my roller coaster friend? The one who said she'd be waiting for me at the bottom of the ride, holding my purse? Joe told me that he'd tried to warn me and once again, my roller coaster friend has hit the nail on the head:

I have heard the "I tried to warn you" speech MANY times. It goes with the "You don't deserve this" and the "You are too good for me" speech. They come in a boxed set. They apparently give the user the illusion that they are blanket excuses for bad behavior and absolve them from any guilt and responsibility for anything they do.

He made me the happiest I'd ever been, but also the saddest I'd ever been. I am pleased to report that I am currently feeling very indifferent, with a side of relief and optimism.

So there you go. A not particularly gracious update, but at least I only called him a LYING, CHEATING ASSHOLE a few times. And the next time I see my nephew, I will dip him in chlorine to wash the Joe off of him and then I'll kiss him 1,000 times and thank him for being on Team Elizabeth.