Wall

I’ve recently been called out on my tendency to redirect male attention to the friend zone instead of allowing it to continue down a non-platonic path. I really really really did not believe I did that, but I do see that pattern now that it has been pointed out to me. If I’m not redirecting it, then I’m immediately planning for the end of it. It appears that these suitors fall into two categories:

1.       Men who are appropriate but who I assume are just being friendly so I redirect into friendship.

2.       Men who are not appropriate and with whom I have ZERO expectation of a future, so I date them with an undercurrent of “this isn’t going annnnnnnnnywhere” so when they’re gone, I say “Oh well, adios” and be done with it.

I’m not really sure if this has always been the pattern or if it’s just been since I’ve become a jaded 30-something, but the observation sparked a lot of self-reflection.

The original “you friend zoned me” observer also called me out on having a wall. I don’t have a wall in ANY OTHER AREA of my life (or much of a filter either), so I think I just assssssssssumed that I didn’t have ANY walls. The reflection of that perception back at me was a good one because it made me realize that I do have a wall…but I don’t want to get hurt, so that wall serves a purpose.

I was discussing this general issue with a friend of mine yesterday and she said, with regard to matters of the heart, “To get it right we have to be able to put it all in.”

And I was like “Dude. Yeah. You’re so smart.”

The only time I’ve ever been burned goooooooooooooooooooooooooood was when I *was* all in, but I totally get that it’s important to remain vulnerable and not just add an extra layer of cement to the wall.

I hope she doesn’t mind me anonymously quoting her, but this one hit me in the gut:

“It’s my biggest fear but I have come to the realization that I have to be willing to be hurt to find the one that doesn’t.”

But ohhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh the drama of all that hurt sounds like something I don’t have time for…so I don’t know what that means for me, but my short term goal is to keep an eye on my wall and hope for the best.