I have wide feet.

OMG you guys, if you ever thought that having tattoos removed couldn't possibly hurt more than having them put on, you were W-R-O-N-G.

The place itself was weird because it was like a cattle call of former gang members and their girlfriends, all getting their face tattoos and misc gang tattoos removed...and it turns out that none of these people have learned to follow the rules of common courtesy -- like, PUT YOUR PHONE ON MUTE, DICKHEAD!

But I guess they never had the luxury of working for me, because these are the things I hammer into the heads of the people who work for me -- so much so that now I don't even have to tell the new ones because the other ones do. Like "Keep your hair tidy, don't have a chipped manicure two days in a row and don't chew gum" and then I love the old ones A MILLION TIMES MORE for saving me the trouble.

(And the best part is that I know they all understand how important these things are now that I've pointed them out.)

(And they'll all also tell you that my NUMBER ONE RULE is to take care of your skin. Sunscreen, moisturizer, etc. My world ages the crap out of people so pay attention young ones! Want to be 23 and look 30? Then don't listen to me.)

But back to the tattoos.

Here's the before (though the 15-years-ago version of the before had this looking much more purple and yellow and white, but apparently your feet don't have any fat so they don't hold color for shit):

And then I suffered though WAY MORE PAIN (but for a much shorter period) and now it looks like this:

I neglected to take a before picture of the one on my leg, but it's another small one. I totally don't get why it's SO MUCH WORSE looking than the one on my foot, but this one doesn't hurt at all...whereas the foot one feels like, OH HEY, someone tried to burn the skin off:

I really don't think it's supposed to look that bad, but it does so oh well.

I'll also add that these photos don't accurately represent the swelling. 

Fun Facts About Tattoo Removal:

1. It hurts LIKE A MOTHERFUCKER. Probably the worst pain I've ever allowed to be inflicted on myself. I'm trying to think if I've ever felt worse pain and I'm reminded of how bad it hurt when I broke my hand, but I DARE say that this hurt more. It was less of a hurts-to-the-core pain of a broken bone and more of a "OMG SOMEONE IS TRYING TO SCRAPE MY SKIN OFF RIGHT NOW MAKE THEM STOPPPPPPPPPPPPP" pain.

It DEFINITELY hurt more intensely (but for a shorter duration) than when I had my tonsils removed at 29 years old, which is my other litmus test / pain measurement.

If you ask my family, I have a high pain tolerance...so if I were to ever have a baby I'd want to do that shit naturally for a variety of reasons, but if it were anything in comparison to this pain (and I'm guessing childbirth is way worse), I'd probably be screaming UNCLE UNCLE UNCLE pretty quickly.

I felt realllllllllllllllllllly bad for the dude after me who was applying an ice pack to the giant "S" on his cheek that he was apparently going to have removed. (This same dude also had "Elizabeth" tattooed on his head, which I think means I should probably date him.)

2. The area turns completely white for several minutes and it continues to hurt and your head is all confused because HOW DID YOU LET THIS HAPPEN TO YOUR OWN SELF??

3. Then it looks like the pictures above and once your nervous system returns to normal an hour or two later, you can imagine wearing shoes again one day.

4. I walked out of this place and learned that tattoo removal sparked the third time ever I've been like "OMG I NEED A DRINK." Luckily, Leslie was available for some day drinking.

So there you go, folks.

Tattoo removal aint for the weak, but it's my own damn fault that I'm even in a position to know.