What I did last weekend

I owe my peeps a post with actual words, I know, but I've been a busy bee. Here's what I have to say about the strongman competition my homie Janelle and I went to in Reno last weekend:

1. We had a TON of fun.

2. There were tons of men who were so buff that they couldn't walk straight.

3. Competitors were straining so hard to lift the sand-filled keg, push the boulder over the wall, pull the truck, etc. that they were hurting themselves.



While we were watching that truck pulling business go on I looked over at Janelle and was like "Dude. You're dying to get strapped into that thing just to see if you can do it, aren't you?"

YES.

And so was I.

We didn't though.

4. I will never be a strength competitor because the heavyweight category started at something like 167 pounds and I don't want to ever have the word "heavyweight" associated with my name. It's just not flattering.

5. It was COLD and Janelle's fingers kept turning funny colors so we kept running inside to the bar to "rehydrate" and defrost between events.



6. I don't know what they're called, but you know those very, very tall crane things that you can get strapped up and flung around by? Peeps around here might have seen one at Great America?

There was one at the mini golf place across the parking lot and Janelle is totally into activities that involve fear and heights so she was like OMG LET'S DO IT! And I thought that A) they for sure would be closed or B) I would for sure exceed the weight limit so I said that sure, if they were open and if I wasn't too fat, I'd do it with her.

Except DAMN IT because the time change and our early start messed with my time estimation and it was only like 6:30 and they were open.

But was I too fat?

NOPE.

At first I was flattered because the lady was like "Oh noooo, you're FINE!" and then she showed me this:



Awesome. She can tell I weigh at least less than 467 pounds.

But whatever. WHIRLWIND WHIRLWIND WHIRLWIND and the next thing I know, I'm wearing this outfit:



(AND I JUST NOTICED that the 467 pounder and I are both in red outfits and Janelle and the skinny people behind me are in BLUE. GREAT. This is like that one time I went snow mobiling and the snow coats for my people all had XL or XXL written on the back and I was jealous of those bitches with the M on their coats. On the upside, his appears to only cover his front, whereas mine wraps around my sides.)

And then I followed the instructions of a teenage boy and BADABING, I was strapped to Janelle and we were being hoisted up in this thing:



I was supposed to wait until I heard him count to three and then pull the release but I didn't hear him count to three and Janelle was laughing and yelling to PULL THE THING. I was NOT about to take HER drunken advice on this matter but I did finally hear him so I pulled the thing and then we went flying.

The video is not all that exciting, but there is a "HI MOM!" toward the end:



Life experience: CHECK!

And actually, next time I'd probably even do it sober.

7. At the end of the day, my homie Nancy McNancerson won two events and second place overall in her weight class. GO NANCY!!!!!

8. There was also a natural bodybuilding expo at the same hotel. The contrast between the thick buffness of the strongman competitors and the greasy, tan, disgustingly ripped buffness of the bodybuilders made for some awesome people watching.

9. I can't tell you about the rest of the evening, but I will say that the strip club near the hotel was also a sushi bar.

I'll also say that when you're with a gaggle of strongmen competitors, they give you a separate room.

And that water costs $8.

And that after a cab ride through the Burger King drive through, I deposited Janelle in the room and I went back down to the casino to lose my last $40 (in leftover ones) on some blackjack.

10. And then the next day we ate a crappy buffet breakfast that was only $5 because we were there as part of the strongman posse.

So that's what I did last weekend.