ATTENTION REVERAND JOEL: Happy Meal Pizza!

New blog, yay!

I was a dumbass and inadvertantly mentioned some stuff that made some OTHER stuff searchable so blah blah blah, one thing led to another and I have a new blog.

So what's your reward for finding it? A FOUR-month-late recap of the wierd internet food party I had back IN MAY.

Okay so my friend CK came to visit me in May and on days one and two of his visit we made a big, fat (ahem) dent in the list of 100 Things to Try in San Francisco Before You Die, as chronicled here.

The next morning we got up and ate some more (though not at a place on the list, but I really do think that Just For You's roast beef benedict deserves a permanent spot on their menu and while we're at it, on the list of 100 things too) and then made a run to Krispy Kreme because Krispy Kreme doughnuts were a KEY ingredient for dinner.

Yes, for dinner.

And then, with a car filled with the scent of hot doughnuts, we went grocery shopping. Our shopping list was long, but we also needed to keep our eyes peeled for things that might be delicious when fried.

If you're keeping track, so far dinner involves Krispy Kreme doughnuts and a deep fryer. Not together, mind you, but you can tell this was going to be a heart-healthy dinner, right?

Truth be told, this was four months ago and I don't remember all the exciting things I had every intention of blogging about, but here's the bulleted recap:

* When my guests asked what they could bring, I assigned them specific menu items from McDonald's.

* The pig candy sounded like a better idea than it actually turned out to be, but here's the photo documentation, just for kicks:



It was pretty much just a layer of bacon covered with brown sugar and nuts and then baked until the bacon was crispy and the sugar was caramelized and then a little melted chocolate drizzled over the top.

Sounds DEVINE, right?

RESULTS:

Not so devine. The thing I didn't consider was that when the bacon cooled, it would cool in its own fat, which would congeal and leave a waxy film on the bottom of everything. It miiiiight work if I had cooked the bacon on racks, but then you wouldn't get the caramelized sugar everywhere it needs to be.

I'm sure Julia Child never had this problem.

* My pal Joel suggested we make the Happy Meal Pizza. So we did. And believe it or not, this was not the ONLY recipe that required ingredients from McDonald's.

BEFORE:



AFTER:



RESULTS:

You know what? It tasted like a couple Happy Meals and melted cheese on a Boboli crust. Surprise, surprise because that's exactly what it was. Totally edible, nothing FOUL about it, but it's not cuisine I feel the need to revisit.

* Tangtinis:



Truth be told, I did not learn about the Tangtini (AKA the Buzz Aldrin) on the internet. I had one of these delicious and tangy (!) cocktails when I was in Philly for Danielle and Mike's wedding and it was so delicious that I brought the magic home to CA.

RESULTS:

Considering all the Tang and vodka we went through that night, I think it could be considered a HIT!

* Krispy Kreme Doughnuts in Action: The Luther Burger!



RESULTS:

This was probably my favorite thing on the menu, but again, now that I've had one I can check it off my list without the need to revisit it.

* CK's contribution was the Bacon Explosion.

Step One:

Crafting the bacon:



Step Two:

CK's meat: ROLLED



What your mother said would happen if you touched your meat in an inappropriate way:



RESULTS:

Let me tell you all something: The Bacon Explosion had TWO POUNDS of bacon and TWO POUNDS of sausage and when all was said and done, there was almost NO fat in the pan. So, of course, this meant alllllllllllllllll that fat went into the explosion.

My arteries are clogging just thinking about it.

But all in all, it was good, but mostly just tasted like BBQ'y, bacony meatloaf.

Items we were too busy digesting to photograph:

* Deep fried Nutter Butters

* Deep fried Moon Pies (chocolate and banana flavors)

* Deep fried Twinkies

* Deep fried Oreos

* McNuggetinis (with BBQ sauce rim and all!)

RESULTS:

I, for one, thought that all of these items were better in their natural states. Except for the leftover milkshake, which I put in the freezer and then ate, a few bites at a time, over the course of the next week -- it was much better in ice milk form than in shake form. Or McNuggetini form.

THE NEXT MORNING:

Carrie, CK and I rolled our greasy asses down the street to watch Bay to Breakers. It was CK's first B2B and I don't think they do this in Texas, so I hope he enjoyed himself:



That's not CK, by the way. That was just the best naked guy of the day. AND THERE WERE MANY NOT-BEST NAKED GUYS.

And there you have it.

There's no better way to end my first blog post at this newfangled blog than with a picture of a naked up "dressed up" as a sparkly, rainbow'y Peter Pan.

Right?

Right.

OOOOOOOOh, except WAIT!

I would also like to take this opportunity to comment on the subject of "Things I Probably Wouldn't Do If I Were a Man."

My official statement: If I were a man and I had an acorn wiener and I wanted to participate as a naked "runner" in Bay to Breakers or hang out with my buddies in any sort of a public nudity type scenario, I would NOT walk next to my friend with the knee-slapper.

Kudos to these not-so-well endowed men for being comfortable in their own skin and all, but I have to say, I probably wouldn't notice the petite nature of their wieners (because as God as my witness, there are better things to look at than a bunch of gravitationally-challenged PENISES) if they were surrounded by their own kind...but throw in something even just slightly more average-sized and it totally ruins the perspective.

I'm just saying.

PS, HI MOM!